I haven't been myself since yesterday.

It's true I have accepted the diagnosis and it's also true that I have the occasional lump in my throat when I think of my son's future.

On Wednesday, I attended Family Support group at Margaret Wells-Furby Centre. There were only three family this week. Linda, whom I met when her son Joshua was assessed at the same time as Alex. Then there was also Catherine with her son Conner and two other older children whose normal. I say normal because they do not have any disabilities.

I supposed, out of the three of us, I am more fortunate because Alex has been diagnosed and we have a network of support on our way. Joshua who is three months younger than Alex has all the autistic mannerism but he can use a few hand signs. Because he only tick two out of the three boxes in order to be diagnosed as ASD, they cannot give him a definite diagnosis. This put them in Limbo land and had to wait another six months for a follow-up assessment to confirm a diagnosis. I sympathise with Linda and I know what it's like because I was in her shoes before the diagnosis.

During the session, the adults talked while the children spent time with the professionals. It's like a counselling session and we poured our hearts out. I cried. I don't know why but I did. We are all going through the same thing that makes it so easy to talk but felt vulnerable at the same time.

I rang Kathy - the organiser for Dr. Rick Solomon's P.L.A.Y workshop this morning. I read about his work and is interested to participate. It costs £45.00 per person and I wanted Jeremy to come with me. I was being very honest with Kathy that we cannot afford the full cost and she offered a discount for our circumstances.

Kathy has a son with ASD too. He was diagnosed at three and had no language - that was thirteen years ago. He is now a very gifted student in mainstream education - taking his GCSE this year and a genius in maths. Kathy assured me that there is hope and never ever doubt that. It's very kind of her to assure me but I just cannot see it now as there are too many obstacles ahead of us.

I would never dream of telling people about my financial circumstances in the past but I had to this time because this workshop is not something that I can do without. There are so many things that required money and we are in no position to be generous. I felt "crap" and felt like I betrayed my pride.

Received a letter from the Occupational Therapist's office this morning and Alex's assessment with them is on a waiting list. They are way behind and can expect the appointment in the next twelve months. We may have to go private if I cannot find alternative solution to help Alex.

Money money money. I wished I could get a job working from home to help out financially.

Total contrast from yesterday. It's sunny, the clouds are fluffy and white - feels like I could almost fly.

We went to Reading today. I am determined to find a plastic chest or container that is big enough to put Alex's Thomas the Tank Engine set in. The criteria are, it has to be big enough to put everything in, it has to look nice, sturdy (most of these containers that we find are so flimsy - almost like it will split into pieces when you try to put things in) and most important - it doesn't cost an arm and a leg.

Went to Focus - saw one and it was too big for the business and not to mention too expensive - £50. Then, we went to B & Q and found one - the colour's right, the size is right and the price is right BUT (there is always a but) the lid is missing. I had to go around the store to ask for help and neither of the them could. All they could say is .... "if it's not where the containers are ... we don't have em". They didn't even try - maybe a .... "hold on a second ma'am, I will check with warehouse to see if we could find one" I would be grateful. Whatever happened to customer service?

What are we to do? Maybe, if we go to Toys'r'us, we might find one - it sounded logical - toy place - toy chest?

On our way to the car, we passed BHs and popped in to get a Brabantia bin bag. Alex was a little niggly, we decided a little bribery wouldn't harm plus.... tantrum free. I took a pack of M&Ms out from my bag and give him one at a time. The condition was ... he had to say "dada". He did just that and Jeremy gave him his treats.

In BHs, Alex took the pack of bin bag to the counter and and I gave him the money to pay the cashier. He was so pleased with himself and even waved to the lady when we left.

Driving to Toys'r'us, we passed Staples and Jeremy suggested perhaps they have what we were looking for. We went in and wah lah .... we found it. Mission accomplished.

On our way to the car, Alex kept pointing at McDonald's (next to Staples) we knew what he wanted plus it was lunch time. We went in - Alex was so happy and sang his happy songs while waiting for his dad to bring the food.

All in all, a good day - tantrum free and a smiley boy.

By the way, if you ask Alex what a cow, a cat or a dog say? He will make all the sounds for you. He can't actually combine two sounds together to make an Mmm and oooooooo but it's close enough. It's so much fun to sing Old McDonald with him now. I had to prompt him to make the sounds but we had so much fun.

It has been a "yucky" weekend so far.

The rain hasn't stopped all day. Typical British weather when it comes to Bank Holiday weekends. It most certainly always rain and those who planned for a barbecue weekend with friends normally end up cancelling or eat indoor.

We did a bit of visiting today. Went to B & Q first, wanted to get a plastic chest to put Alex's toys in but couldn't find what we wanted. It was so busy in there and it's not a very nice place to be when it's crowded and wet. Alex threw a small tantrum but easily consoled. I would throw a tantrum too but I am Mummy and I have no excuse.

Then we went to Homebase, hopeful that we would find one but alas, it's too expensive - £49.99 for a stupid plastic chest. I think we'll search for one on Ebay.

Walked past Land of Leather on our way to the car and sneaked in for a whiff of leather. Settees are getting cheaper - most of them are made in China now. For a set of very comfortable three seater, two seater and a recliner for only £799. All reclineable all the way down - don't think we need a bed anymore. Too bad we don't have a budget for new settees.

Then, we went to see Jeremy's parents and Alex was really happy there. Constantly seeking Grandma's attention. Stayed for about three hours and then head for Jeremy's sister's home. Still raining when we arrived at Susan's.

Susan has two cats and they usually disappeared into a corner when they have guests. Surprisingly, they were in the same room with us when we were there and Alex adored them. We haven't seen Susan and Peter, her husband since Christmas last year.

We don't see Susan that often and can count the number of times Susan saw Alex since he was born. He was not shy at all ..... In fact, he adores Peter - who usually scares children when they saw him. I don't know why? He is a really sweet guy but maybe a bit loud at times - probably because he works in a construction site and is used to talking loud. Susan is a very busy lady with her own business - juggling between career and ferrying her only son to football practices and matches.

Got home around six and Alex was knackered. He was so tired that he didn't want much dinner and went to sleep around seven ish.

It's still raining outside and how I wished that we didn't went out today.

Biggest mistake EVER .....

Well, I baked some triple chocolate muffins yesterday afternoon. It's for Alex - he loved the last batch I made and this time, I made it specially for him.

Instead of having cereal for breakfast this morning, I gave him 3/4 of a muffin and followed by a slice of toast.

Because we did not get out of the house all day yesterday, we decided to go shopping at Kingston. We totally forgotten that it's a Bank Holiday weekend and the journey there took longer that usual. Alex was pointing at everything along the way and expect me to tell him what they were and if I guessed the wrong thing, he'll scream. It was a tiring journey but we survived.

When we finally got a parking spot after waiting (what feels like eternity) to get into the parking lot, we went to TGI Friday for lunch. We were seated at a corner but the place was busy, loud and Alex was not a happy bunny. He is extremely sensitive to sound and this is totally sensory overload for him. He was still quite well behave when all of a sudden, a party of twelve little girls and their parents came in sitting next to our table. All hell broke loose by now ..... he was agitated, they were really noisy and the parents were standing next to our table chatting away. He screamed his lungs off ..... all of a sudden, we could hear pin drop .... the room went silent and all eyes were on him.

Pre-diagnosis - we would have wished we could bury our head in the ground. But, today - we just calmed him down and continued our lunch. We understand that this is one of the many characteristics of autism. Some are extremely sensitive towards lights and some sound.

We didn't get to go shopping as by now, Alex was extremely agitated and it would not be enjoyable for either of us to continue. We drove home instead.

On our way home, I realised why - the chocolate muffin's the culprit. He used to bounce off walls when he had chocolate. I think the chocolate (triple strength) may have caused the initial agitation and then followed by sensory overload.

It's two in the morning and I can't get back to sleep. The nights are getting warmer - I had to put the fan on, the blinking thing is so noisy ...... I can't hear my own dream.

Anyway, it's been extremely difficult to update my blog everyday as Alex is very possessive. It used to be just the phone thing - you know, he ignored you all day and as soon as you pick the phone up (once in a blue moon) to have a decent adult conversation? That's when all of a sudden, you are the most important thing in the whole wide world and everything cannot wait, your urgent attention's required. Well, the same thing happened when I turned the computer on.

Well, at least some peace for now and taking this opportunity while my young prince is snoring away in our bed.

While tossing and turning trying to get back to dreamland, I actually made a promise to GOD. I said "GOD, please make Alex talk, not just talk, it has to make sense - you know, like a normal child? I promise I will help raise fund for National Autistic Society or even Margaret Wells-Furby to help more people who, are in a position like ours".

I know this sounded desperate. But, I am desperate .... Alex wants to communicate and he can't. I can feel his frustrations and I also know that he wants to share with me more than just cuddles and kisses. He wants to tell me his day at school, he wants to tell me how much he enjoys going to Chessington or Marwell or all the fun things we did together.

We've got a call from Christina from Margaret Wells yesterday (Friday) afternoon. She said that there is one extra place in their Family Support Group on Wednesday afternoons and if I would like to take the offer. We could start as early as next week. Now that's a bummer, Alex goes to nursery on Wednesdays and we don't really want to interrupt his routine. There is one other group on Tuesdays but they won't start for another month. I really really want help and support as soon as possible - I took the offer. We will just have to pick Alex up from the nursery half and hour earlier and miss his afternoon nap.

Kate, the Health Visitor called again on Thursday afternoon. She said she's got Alex's report and asked if we were satisfied with the diagnosis and if there's anything else we need. We made an appointment to meet next Friday afternoon. I thanked her for getting the wheels in motion so quickly and she said that it's her job. I know, it's her job but she did it very well. If everyone does their job as well as she did, the world would be a better place.

I better get back to bed before my prince wakes up in three hours time. He has been waking up at six every morning and is driving me insane.

One word of advise - Never take things that we think comes naturally for granted. Because it ain't!

Another small step another day but he does make me laugh. You would call him a "little madam" if he were a girl.

His progress is quite steady these few days and nothing much happened except for this evening. As usual, I fed him his dinner - I put anything I fancy and he eats. But today, he pointed at what he wanted me to put on his fork next. He finished his dinner in record time and no fuss at all - I didn't have to trick him by saying the never ending "last one for mummy" until he finished his dinner. He had fish fingers, chips and baked beans.

I received this email from my sister this morning and there is certainly truth in it. I would say it apply more to my three older brother and sisters more than to Adrinna and me. I always felt that they had more fun as children than I did. I cannot say this for Adrinna but I felt that my childhood was somewhat boring - overly protected by parents and older siblings. We (Adrinna and me) never get to go out with friends till the sun sets but we did get to play outdoors but behind bars (our fenced and gated driveway).

The only computer games that we ever wished we had was "Watch
and Games" in the late 70's and then Pacman on PC in the 80's. Funnily enough,
McDonald's giving away the "Watch and Games" style electronic games with their
Happy Meal this month. Alex already had a collection of three so far.

TO ALL THOSE WHO WERE BORN IN THE 50's
and 60's / early '70s............

First, we survived with mothers who had no maids.

A multi-tasker, she cooked and cleaned while taking care of her children.

We took aspirins, candy floss, fizzy drinks, shaved ice with
syrups - diabetes were rare.

Salt added to Pepsi or Coke were remedy for fever.

No child-proof lid on medicine bottles nor doors or cabinets.

We rode our bikes with no helmets.

We ride with our parents on bicycles/motorcycles.

Richer ones in cars with no seat belts nor air bags.
Sitting in the back of a private taxi was a special treat.

We drank water from the tap and NOT from a bottle.
We would spend hours outside under bright sunlight flying our kites,

UV ray never seem to affect us.

With mere 5 pebbles (stones) would be an endless game.

With a ball (tennis ball best) boys would run like crazy, for hours.
We catch guppy in drains/canals and when it rained we swam there too.

We shared a bottle of soft drink with four friends,

NO ONE actually worried about being unhygienic

We ate salty, very sweet and oily food.

Candies, bread and real butter

We drank very sweet soft sweet coffee/tea, ice kacang,

but we weren't overweight because......
WE WERE ALWAYS PLAYING OUTDOORS!!

We would leave home in the morning and played all day.

We returned when the streetlights came on.
No one was able to reach us all day. And we were O.K.

We would spend hours repairing our old bicycles and wooden
scooters out of scraps and rode down the hill, only to find - we forgot the brakes.

After running into bushes a few more times, we learned to solve
the problem .

We did not have Playstations, Nintendo's, X-boxes,

multiple channels on cable TV, DVD movies, nor surround sound,

no phones, no personal computers, no Internet.

WE HAD FRIENDS and we went outside and found them!

We fell off trees, got cut, broke bones and teeth and we still continued the
stunts.

We never actually had birthday parties till we were 21,

We rode bikes or walked to a friend's house and just yelled for them!

The idea of a parent bailing us out if we broke the law was
unheard of. They actually sided with the law!

Yet this generation has produced some of the best risk-takers,

problem solvers and inventors ever!

The past 40years have been an explosion of innovation and new ideas.
We had freedom, failure, success and responsibility, and we learned.

You might want to share this with others who have had the luck to grow up as kids,

before the government regulated our lives for our own good.

We didn't do much today .... just recovering from yesterday.

Alex was quite chatty today and on few occasion, he really surprised us. We were invited to dinner at Jeremy's parents'. On our way there, Alex was really cheery and happy. We passed Windsor Great Park and there was a herd of cows roaming in the open field, Alex pointed at them and said "mmmmmm" (that's his way of saying cow).

Then, we used a different way to go to his grandparents' house and as soon as we passed the normal entrance to use the second entrance, he moaned because we did not turn in. It really surprised us how he knew that?

He had a great time at his grandparents and as usual, they spoil him. When it was time to go, he didn't really want to leave. On our way back, he did the same again, pointing at things along the way asking me to tell him what they were. If I did not respond, he will call out "Ma" - it's good that he is aware of his surrounding now.

Got home and had his shower, sat on my lap and we watched a DVD together. We borrowed "Happy Feet" from my mother-in-law and I thought he would like that since we have seen quite a few penguins in the zoo. First fifteen minutes of the show, he was quite happy watching it and all of a sudden, he cried with stream of tears rolling down his cheek and with such sadness in his cry .... I was baffled.

Then I realised why, Mumbo the baby penguin fell into the hole when a few vicious bird trying to eat him. I don't know if he was crying because he was afraid for Mumbo or the music in the scene. But he was crying with great emotion and sob for the next five minutes.

I don't know what this means but I am writing this down for my own record.

Chessington WOA

Click on the picture to view album

A mother could not be prouder

Oh My God!!!

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We went to Chessington World of Adventure today.

Alex had so much fun and we were both very very proud of him. He went to all the rides that he could go on and wanted more.

I took him to this ride (picture) and he was so scared ... not because of the ride but the people screaming behind us. I could not feel any fear because I was protecting my son all the while. It's quite funny how maternal instinct work .... mothers could do anything to protect their young. If Alex wasn't with me, I would have p...... myself .... ha ha ha

Anyway, we went into the Tomb Blaster with him and there were laser and strobe lights inside (we didn't know what it was - we decided to try everything). Whilst in the ride, we were so afraid that the lights would affect Alex but he came out looking nonchalant.

How our son surprise us with his courage and he actually smiled after a few rides. He wanted to go on the Dragon Boat again after coming out with his dad ... wet and all smiley. The queue was too long and we didn't bother to go again. Mummy is definitely a coward, didn't want to get wet and sent Daddy to the ride with Alex instead.

All in all, we had a great day and would do it again.

We went to see the Speech Therapist today.

Alex is definitely not co-operating with her. Partly because he is tired - the appointment was at 3:00pm and that's when Alex naps in the afternoon. Yes, he is back to his old routine, his daily naps.

He walks around a lot, and refused to do what he was asked to. Both Jeremy and I sat there and tried not to interfere.

The therapist, a locum from South Africa is only here for a three-month contract and is leaving end of next week. She will put her recommendation forward to expedite his case.

Meanwhile, we were advised to play taking turn games with Alex to encourage language and interaction.

I think we are heading towards the right direction and I am quite confident that Alex will do well.

Oh, by the way - I was quite surprised to learn that Alex knows his ABCs. I was showing him some alphabet flash cards last night and asked him to show me which is A and B. He got them both correctly and I thought it might just be by chance or he memorised the sequences. I then took the M and K card - I asked him which is which? He got them both correct as well. I didn't want to continue as it was late, so .... I guess ..... we have a tiny genius here ;-)

I feel much better today.

Thank you to everyone for sending me thoughtful emails and advices.

Good news is .... Alex has an appointment with the Speech Therapist tomorrow afternoon - this would not have happened so quickly if he was not diagnosed. The waiting list is about eight months and we don't know if he is going to have to wait or he will be expedite due to the Early Intervention Program. Lets keep our fingers cross and hope for the best.

Here's a video of Alex talking. It was taken today right before writing this blog. I will be recording videos of him every week to see his progress. The nursery is very happy with his progress and today, they were sitting in a circle and the teacher called out their name for attendance. He waved to tell them that he is present.

Because of his diagnosis, the nursery can now work on a program for Alex to follow. He has been doing it since yesterday and they reckoned he was happy with the routine.

It's still hard to accept the diagnosis.

Normally, I am a very positive person. I feel sad for a while and then I put myself on first gear, then shortly second, third and so on.

But this time, I felt really really sad. I felt empty and tired. I am not angry nor am I asking "why is it happening to us?" Why not? What makes us different from others who are in the same situation? Do they deserved it more than we do? Of course not! No one deserved this but I believe everything happened for a reason.

My friend, Penny said this to me today, "when God closes a window, he opens a door". It's very comforting and I believe that too.

There is a lesson in everything and perhaps, I have a mission - I am not sure what? But I am sure there is something that I had to do.

I will have to be strong for my family but let me mope for a few days and make sense of things. I am sure I will be like my old self, get up and go - not looking back and embrace the future.

It's official.

Months of waiting and we know what is coming but it's still difficult to hear it from the horses' mouth.

Jeremy and I went to the End of Assessment Care Plan meeting this afternoon. We left Alex home with Jeremy's parents - baby sitting for us while we went to this life changing meeting.

Last week's report from Dr. Irani summarised his diagnosis and both Jeremy and I have prepared ourselves for the worst. Somehow, something inside me refused to accept the diagnosis. I see what I wanted to see and the reports from the other Assessors came last Friday. I deliberately not share them with everyone reading my blog because I so wanted this meeting that we went this afternoon to say otherwise.

Since the beginning of his assessment five weeks ago, Alex showed us that he can do more than we thought he could. Obviously the reports were four to five weeks old and things changed but some symptoms remained. I brought this up in the meeting but the final diagnosis is still ASD (Autism Spectrum Disorder). I could feel a lump in my throat and my voice quivered when I spoke - I guessed they have seen it all. My denial ......

No matter how prepared you are - the truth always find a way to reveal your true insecurities, fear and disappointments.

Well, at least we know that it's not our fault or anything we did or did not. A diagnosis is better than no diagnosis. Because, now we get all the help needed to pave a future for Alex.

We were instantly given a directory for support groups, a list of programs and activities for Alex and us, as parents to attend. A three months course for parents organised by the National Autistic Society - giving us information and ways to deal with Autism. We will be very very busy for the next twelve months because the sooner we start, the better it is for Alex. He will be able to attend mainstream school by September 08.

In a way it's a blessing in disguised that Alex have no language. It brought the motion to assess him and now we get all the support needed. Although, a label is not ideal - but, it opened a lot of doors for him. Should he not been diagnosed, we will still be in Limbo - no where to turn to and may cost us dearly for the missed opportunities.

From today, a new journey for us as a family - we will be more tolerant and try to see things thru our son's eyes.

A message to all the mums I know.

May this day remind you how great and wonderful you are.

I am a daughter, a sister, a friend and a mother.

I am most grateful to my mother for giving me life, a wonderful childhood and unconditional love. You are always there for me when I need you and I promise I will do the same for my son.

I am grateful to have three wonderful sisters, each a fantastic mum without a doubt. Great with advices and there for me when I need a friend to talk to.

I am grateful to have friends with children of their own - constantly giving me encouragements and support in their own wonderful way.

Most of all, each and everyday - I am grateful to have a wonderful and loving son who brings me the kind of joy and laughter that no one can.

To my mother, sisters and friends - Happy Mother's Day ....

Marwell Zoo

(Click on the photo to see album)

Took Alex to Marwell Zoo today.

We chose to take Alex there because of the great reviews and recommendations but sadly, we felt that we have been ripped off on this occasion.

It cost us £40 entrance fee for two adults and one child. A further £30 for food and miscellaneous expenditures.

We were disappointed because there weren't many animals there and the only three things that really impressed us were the Giraffes, Leopards and Zebras. There were no Monkeys nor were there Elephants but plenty of Buffaloes, Birds and Lemurs. The only incentive for Alex is the tractor/train ride towards the end of our visit.

I would not recommend this to anyone looking for a great day-out but if the Zoo were to reduce the entrance fee or to add more animals to their collection, perhaps.

Choo choo ...........

Thomas the Tank Engine - Ultimate set ...... I totally agree with that. Bought Alex this set today and it's 50% off the RRP. We had so much fun putting it up for Alex and it brought the child out of us. Of course, the set is meant for him but we thought we'll just give it a try.

Alex is doing great in nursery today. His carer said that he has been very vocal all morning. I picked him up slightly later today and this time, he was waiting for me. There were so many people in the room - I was looking for him, but he spotted me first and ran straight to me.

Whatever next?

My little shopper.

There is a Tesco Express next to Alex's nursery. I went to fetch Alex and popped into Tesco with him on our way home. I just need to get one item for a quick lunch - I gave him the tub of egg mayo and asked him to give it to the cashier. He walked confidently to the counter and then gave it to the man. I then hand him a pound coin and asked him to pay the man - he took the coin from me and handed it to the cashier. You should see the look on his face - he was so proud of himself and I of course could not stop beaming.

That's another achievement - another day.

It's been a weird sort of day but I am glad it's over.

I did not sleep well at all last night - Alex woke me at 2am, then at 4am and finally at 5am and wanted to play and not sleep. So, Jeremy got up and took him downstairs and let me sleep. I woke up at 10am and then Jeremy went back to sleep.

Then took Alex with me to Sainsburys for food shopping and my little monster helped me load the cart up - he he he. He was such a helpful boy and did not make much fuss - except the occasional - mummy I need a hug whine.

Got home, he wanted to sleep - put him down for a nap with Jeremy and I started filling in my application form for a job. I need to work and I cannot bear the thought of not earning my own money and ask Jeremy for it. I have been earning my own money since the day I left school in 1986 - so, it's hard for me to ask for money from anyone.

Cooked, fed my boy and then rush out again for Finance and Management meeting at the school - I am one of the Community Governors for our local school.

Alice, my ex's mother came over to babysit Alex (she came last week as well when I went for another meeting at the school). I am just so glad that she came and Alex loved her. I could just walk out the house and he made no fuss. If it's anyone else, you can hear him from a mile - they have this instant rapport - maybe it's because their birthday is one day apart .... I don't know but I can see that Alice is really happy to be with him.

I got back at 8:30pm .... Alice left ..... Alex surprised me ..... he tidied up his play area without being told. He then brought his building blocks to me and wanted me to play with him.

Now... I know why he tidied up his toys ..... I always insists that he can only play one thing at a time and that if he wants to play something else, he has to tidy up first. And he did just that. I am so proud of him.

I am going to bed now - with a smile.

Walking down memory lane

We were supposed to take Alex to Marwell Zoo today but in the end, we decided to go next weekend instead. We planned to have a picnic and even went to Marks and Spencers to get snacks and salad. When we got back last night, we went about the house looking for the icebox for our picnic. Garage, Attic, Shed ..... no where in sight but we found my box of old photos instead.

Flipping through the pages, feelings of warmth fills my heart and brought a tiny tear drop to my eye. How I missed my sisters and brother - the pictures below were taken in 1974 and 1981.

The four sisters

from left to right: Trixie (9 yrs), me (5 yrs), Adrinna (3 yrs) and Sue (11 yrs)

The Siblings

from left: Trixie, me, Adrinna, Sue and Vincent (behind me)

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Trixie and Sue baked and decorated the cake. This picture was taken on Christmas morning 1981. For sometime in my life, I could not recall my adolescent years - tried as I might, I have no memories of them. Only after Alex was born, memories of my past rushed back in snap shots when I see or smell something familiar.

As a child, I was quite confident until I turned 10 years old when my parents transferred me to a new school joining my sisters. At my old school, my grades were quite good, I was teacher's pet, my artworks were often displayed in exhibitions and everything went down hill when I joined the new school. I didn't make a lot of friends, I hate the teachers and I have low self-esteem.

At home, all my brother and sisters were very good academically especially Trixie. My low self-esteem didn't help either, I always felt that my sisters bullied me. My only friend was my mum - she believed in me and encouraged me. This makes my sisters really jealous and often accused my mum of favouritism.

Looking back at the pictures, I did have a happy childhood. I have a fantastic family and my sisters are definitely my best friends.

Photos are there to remind us of the good times. No one take photos when they are sad (at least not that I know of) - If you are down and depressed, look at your photos - it will definitely make your day. Life isn't that bad after all.

This is a very good article written by Amy Brown. I would like to share this article with you because I think she said everything I need to say and hope Alex will be like her son. She is an exceptional mother and she made a difference in her son's life.

Acceptance of Autism in your child

Most of us are familiar with the stages of grief; denial, anger, bargaining, depression and finally acceptance. Why is it that so many parents get stuck in one of the first four stages when their child has received a diagnosis of Autism? I realize that this is one of the scariest diagnoses a parent can face. I have been there. I know what it is like to be told that your child will never develop social skills, that he would never be able to express love or compassion to others, that all of his social interaction would be self-focused. My heart, too, was broken when I was told that my precious child may never come out of his own little world and respond to my voice or my touch. I cried for days when I was told by a developmental therapist that I needed to give up on my "dream child" and start dealing with the nightmare that I had been dealt.

I have been there. But I didn't stick around. If my child had received a diagnosis of Leukemia I sure wouldn't sit around feeling sorry for myself and the sad future ahead of us. I would be researching and trying every doctor, program, holistic medicine and support group that were available. So that is what I did. I discovered that the diagnosis of Autism is not hopeless. I realized that I was fortunate to have noticed the changes in my son's development and to have gotten this diagnosis so early in his life. This diagnosis was not his death sentence, it was his ticket to a real life. With the gift of this diagnosis I was able to receive help from my state with occupational therapy, speech therapy, developmental therapy and many other resources. If I had waited one more year, my son would not have qualified for this free assistance and I would have had to spend every dime I made to ensure that he was given every opportunity to defy the odds.

I am a mother that didn't wallow in denial, anger, bargaining or depression. I accepted the diagnosis of autism as a gift. I chose to embrace this diagnosis and educate myself, my family and my friends. I would not allow my son to be defined by this diagnosis. I worked with the various therapists to learn how to teach, motivate and speak to my son. I was involved in every therapy session. I sat on the floor with the speech therapist, teaching my son sign language at first and eventually words. I spent hours each day working with him on the sensory integration techniques that I had learned from the occupational therapist - swinging, bouncing, brushing, anything they suggested, no matter how crazy it sounded. I put him on a gluten-free, casein-free diet because the Autism Network for Dietary Intervention recommended it. I used his obsession with cars to teach him colors and numbers and counting. My husband and I had so much fun rejoicing over every new word he learned, every new skill he mastered, every smile and laugh that he expressed. My dream child is still alive because I refused to give up and I was determined to do everything within my power to give my son a reason to come out of his little world into our big one.

My son is now 8 years old. He is gorgeous and bright and funny and loving and compassionate. He gets straight A's in school, plays on a basketball team and has many friends. My son has no idea that he was ever diagnosed with autism and neither do his friends or teachers. Even the pediatric neurologist says he is a normal, healthy child, showing no signs or symptoms of autism. Was he cured? Was he mis-diagnosed? Was it a miracle? No one really knows for sure, except me. I know that I never lost my dream child because my son is and always will be my dream child, with or without a diagnosis of autism. I also know that if I had spent years in denial or anger or depression, my son would still be sitting on the floor rocking back and forth, not responding to his name and I would never have heard him speak the words, "I love you, Mom."

As parents we chose how we will react to this diagnosis and we choose how involved we will be in our child's development. I challenge you to make a conscious choice to go through the grieving process quickly. Your child deserves a parent that has accepted this diagnosis and can begin seeking treatment for it. Every day you spend in denial, anger, bargaining and depression is a day you have stolen from your child's development. There are few things about autism that are predictable, but one of them is that the earlier a child is diagnosed and begins treatment the more likely that child will be to develop the skills needed to live a normal life. Do what ever it takes to keep your dream child alive.

We received the report from Dr Irani this morning.

Here's part of the report (important part) - the report is written in a conversational manner directed to Jeremy and me:

Developmental assessment

Alexander's development was assessed using Schedule of Growing Skills II, which is a developmental screening test for children up to five years of age. Observing Alexander, I noted his mannerisms of briefly hand flapping, frequent teeth grinding and frequently moving his fingers in front of his eyes. I noted screaming, inappropriate laughter in addition to his attempts to initiate joint attention with yourselves, briefly sharing enjoyment and demonstrating closeness to you. Alexander's cooperation for a formal developmental assessment was limited today, but he did eventually participate with most tasks, especially when you administered them under instruction. Hence, it is possible that Alexander's developmental scores are an under-estimate of his true potential.

Note from mummy: After the meeting with Dr Irani on 16th April, Alex's teeth grinding has been minimal and hand flapping is virtually none but occasional lapse. However, moving his fingers in front of his eyes is still there.

Summary

Alexander is a delightful boy with delayed developmental skills, and significantly delayed expressive language and visual perceptual skills. He demonstrates a developmental profile characterised by impaired social communication and social interaction skills with some unusual repetitive behaviours and mannerisms.
Alexander's difficulties can best be understood as being similar to those of a child with Autism Spectrum Disorder. On a positive note, there has been recent rapid progress noted at the nursery. Alexander offers some good social eye contact and generally comes as a happy child who responds well to adult direction especially from you.

Discussion

We discussed Alexander's developmental profile and his strengths and difficulties. We agreed that his development would be assessed in greater detail during the course of the playgroup assessments at the End of Assessment Care Plan meeting. I have suggested Alexander has a hearing and vision assessment and also referral to Occupational Therapy Service for his visual perceptual difficulties. I have recommended some baseline medical investigation (blood tests).

End of report

I find that the report was true at the time and as noted in the summary, recent rapid development will take into consideration. Our End of Assessment Care Plan meeting is on 14 May and two of his carers from the nursery will attend the meeting. I feel very fortunate that there are many people willing to help Alex and he certainly is a likeable child.

The different sides of Alex

(Click on the photo to view album.)

Photos of Alex from birth. These are the few that's in my computer and there are more. I thought I'll share some for those who have not seen them.

Sending Alex to nursery is the best thing we've done for him.

Today in school, they all sang "twinkle twinkle little star" and Alex sang the loudest (hummed actually) but anyhow, the carers were really pleased with him. When the other children were being noisy, he stood up and said "shhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhh". The way the carer described it made me so proud of my little boy.

Tonight, before bedtime - my little boy tidy up his toys without being told to. When Jeremy saw what he was doing, he wanted to say "good boy" but I stopped him. Knowing my son very well, if we said anything while he's doing it, he would stop and mess the whole place up again. So we let him finish and then praised him.

I am really happy with his progress. He likes pointing at things and ask me to tell him what they were. If he point at something and I didn't respond to him, he will say in a high pitch "MUM" and I had to respond immediately. If I don't, he would scream his lungs off.

We hope to take him somewhere nice for a long weekend soon. He pointed at a Ferry - a Brittany Ferry commercial on television tonight. I told him that it's a ferry and he smiled. I asked if he would like to go on one and he said "MUM" means yes. "Mum" means many different things but I could tell from his tonality. We are communicating and I really believe that it's anytime soon now - he WILL talk.

It's Marcus's Birthday today.

HAPPY 8TH BIRTHDAY MARCUS!

A birthday wish for a special boy. Here's some photo of Marcus that I'll like to share. My sister Trixie is very stingy with her photos. I don't get many of them from her and these are from my own collection. I think I have some in the attic - couldn't find them but will do when I find time.

Baby Marcus with mummy and cousin Yujiro in 1999

Marcus with grandma, auntie Sue on his 2nd Birthday in 2001

Marcus in Winter 2000

Marcus in Spring 2002

A good day - I think.

It turns out that today is Alex's last session of the assessment at Margaret Wells-Furby Children's Centre. According to the schedule we were given earlier, he was supposed to attend four sessions and the last one is next Monday. Jeremy asked them this morning to confirm if next week is still on as it is a Bank Holiday Monday. When we went back to collect Alex, one of the Assessors told us that today is the last session and they have done everything they need to with Alex. We will be seeing them in two weeks time to discuss the outcome of the assessments and the way forward. The other two children that were assessed together with him had to go back the week after. I supposed it's good news for us then - they did expressed how happy they were with Alex.

When we got back home, guess what was in the post for me? I was selected "randomly" to perform Jury duty in June. I cannot believe it - most people will try to get out of this if possible but I am looking forward to it. I've always wanted to see what a real trial is and that my input will make a difference.

When I was 17, I told my mother that I wanted to study law - she said "no". I was really upset then but now I knew why - we couldn't afford it at the time. Since then, I have always liked courtroom dramas and novels. At one point last year, I almost volunteered to be a Magistrate after listening to an advertisement for the position on our local radio.

So, was this a good day? I hope the case that I am supposed to sit in doesn't involved anything too ..... I don't want nightmares.

The new routine for Alex may be great for him but there's a lot of get used to for me. I am finding it a little hard to handle at the moment.

When Alex is not at school, I had to find a whole lot more of activities to fill his day and I am not getting any of my stuff done. I wanted to restart my course but I don't get the chance to even sit in front of the computer for two minutes before I hear a little footstep coming my way. He will point at anything in all directions.

He woke up at 4:00am this morning and then went back to sleep an hour later. He woke up at 7:00am and played with his toys while I sleep. As soon as he finished his breakfast, he wanted to go out and play in the garden. Half an hour on the swing, slide and walk about the garden, he wanted me to set up his new train set. Insist that I play along with him and refused to let me do my housework. After lunch, he was so tired that I let him nap for an hour.

As soon as he wakes up, he wanted to go out again. I took him to Lily Hill Park, just across the road and we spent some quality time together. After that, he refused to go home - he wanted a ride in the car and I had to take him to another park near his nursery.

Got home, cooked dinner and fed Alex. Jeremy came home at 7:40pm and when he saw his dad's car in the driveway, he said "da da da da". Gave Alex his shower and I am beat ......

Jeremy had to tuck him in and seriously, I have no energy...... I am not sure if I can last another day.

Mill Pond

Click on the photo to view album.

The best image a parent would love to see.

Alex seemed to love his new routine. Earlier in the week, we decided not to let Alex have his afternoon nap so he would go to bed early and have a full night's sleep.

We had to keep him occupied in the afternoon - took him to parks, out for lunch, to the mall, food shopping etc. He made no fuss of the changes and that's a good thing.

When I went to collect him at the nursery today, I saw Jenni. She just came back from a four weeks break - she had her gall-bladder removed. She told me that she was so pleased to see Alex and the changes in him were amazing. I agreed and thank her for taking the initiative to contact Caroline for us.

We went to Mill Pond again this afternoon to feed the geese. Took some photos and while we were walking around the pond, we asked Alex to say car and he did and when we saw a bus and asked him to say bus - guess what? He hummed the tune "Wheels on the bus". We were just so proud of him.

Nothing extraordinary but something happened today which tells me that Alex is an early starter - he he he.

I learned from Nathan, the nursery manager that little girls in his class likes to take care of him and follows him around. Previously, it was Pippa but lately - a new fan, Amy. When Alex walks in, she will run from the other end of the room to greet him. She showed him how to play with the scooter today and always hold his hand when they had to go somewhere together like getting their coats to go out to the garden. I just can't help it but it does bring a big grin to my face. I am just so happy that my little boy has a girl friend at three.

Took Alex shopping with Alice (my ex's mother) at Camberley.

I haven't been there since Alex was born. I used to go there a lot with Alice years ago - when I was still married to Andrew. Alex adores her and she in return. Had lunch and then went to a petting zoo at Yateley.

This is the first time that Alex got so close to farm animals like pot bellied piglets, llamas, goats, cockerels, ducks and goslings. He was a little scared at the beginning when the piglets were crying for attention but when we were about to leave, he went reluctantly. Those piglets can really oink and they are loud and not to mention ugly. We enjoyed our one mile walk around the lakes and Alex did really well. He walked with us and kept pointing at things - I don't know what, but I had to guess and say words like trees, sky, wind etc. He could be just pointing randomly as he only recently mastered the art of pointing and communicating.

He missed his nap again but went to sleep at eight.

It's has been a busy day today.

Took Alex to Margaret Wells this morning for his assessment. Brought the cake I made last night for the staff there as well.

While waiting for Alex, I went to sit in the lounge and started talking to Linda. Linda's son Josh is three next month and he has the same problem as Alex. They both share the same mannerisms like no language, flapping their hands, extremely jealous, amazingly loving and teeth grinding. They both dislike open areas like shopping mall and children crying. One thing lead to another, we started to talk about our worries and fear for our children. The feelings that I have been feeling for the past few months were not unique. Linda was the same - we both at one point or another blamed ourselves for our children's condition. We have come to accept that it's not our fault - there is a reason why our children are who they are. We are thankful that they are healthy and extremely loving.

Alex finished at 11:30am and we went home to grab a quick lunch and then left for Heatherwood Children Clinic's appointment with the paediatrician consultant at 2:00pm. Waited for one and a half hour and finally saw someone but the consultant. There was a back log because the consultant was late and we only managed to see the liaison officer. He is also a Paediatrician but not experienced enough to diagnose - he asked all the same questions as Dr Irani and then told us that he will have to refer us to the Audiologist and the Speech Therapist. Before he left, he said that he don't believe that Alex is autistic but he is not experienced enough to diagnose. We will have to wait for a letter from the Children Centre at Skimped Hill to invite us for the necessary tests etc. He may just be like his cousin Yujiro, a late talker.

We got home at 4:30pm, Alex missed his nap and went to bed at seven. We decided to change his sleeping pattern from now on - hopefully in one weeks time, he won't need his afternoon nap and go to bed early and sleep through the night.

We went to the Funfair tonight.

I thought I'll take him to experience a bit of a night life - he hehe.

There were so many rides there but many aren't suitable for toddlers. I saw those rides and I wished Jeremy was there with me, so I could go on them and he watch Alex - Jeremy's on night shift today.

Watch the video and you'll see Alex kind of enjoyed it but towards the end, he didn't want to get off. He then lead me to the Bumper cars but he's too young to go on them. He didn't want to go on any of the rides for babies/toddler and continued to pull my hand, taking me around the Funfair. He liked the lights and music but because there were quite a few trouble makers there and Jeremy's not with us, we had to leave soon after.

Got home and baked a cake for tomorrow. I promised the staff at Margaret Wells Children Centre that I'll bake a cake last week. Half way through, Alex was screaming and wanted me to hold him. I turned around and realised what the commotion was about, he saw a spider. He was so frighten of it that he kept digging his head into my chest. Thank god it's well padded (he hehe). I took him upstairs and he sat on the study room floor and I had to go downstairs to check on the cake, he then screamed again and I thought he hurt himself and ran straight up. He was pointing at the spider and cried - I have never seen him so upset before and I guess he is starting to experience fear. It's a good sign and I am glad he showed other emotion besides laughter. As a baby, I seldom hear Alex cry - we thought he was a contented baby and never did we thought otherwise. He only started to laugh whole heartedly about three weeks ago and now fear.

In the past, a day is just another day and nothing seemed significant enough to put in my diary. Alex surprise me everyday and I now look forward to a new day.

Alex and I went to the park to feed some geese today.

It's quite nice to have my own car again. I felt a whole lot different as if I gain new freedom. I could just grab Alex and off we go to somewhere fun.

We went to Mill Pond - about 10 minutes by car. There's a "balanced pond" - Eco-friendly pond for wild-lives, a well-equipped playground and a McDonald's.

We fed some Mandarin Ducks, Canadian Geese, Swan and Seagulls - yes, I know but there are quite a few seagulls stranded in this part of the country. Alex was really scared initially especially when we threw the first few bits and then all of a sudden, seemed like hundreds of them flew to us. I got scared as well and took Alex to higher ground and then fed them. He totally enjoyed the experience. He also took his first ride on the "merry-go-round", a dare-devil by nature I presume.

I then asked him what he wanted to do - he pulled me to McDonald's - seriously, I am not joking. He had nuggets and drank the whole bottle of Tropicana Orange Juice.

We enjoyed our day out and I will continue to stimulate him by letting him experience something new every week.

I have been so efficient today. Maybe it's because the dark cloud that hung over my head for the past few months have slowly disappeared.

I did the laundry, fold the laundry, vacuum the house, baked a batch of muffins and a loaf of Banana and Walnut Tea Loaf. All these while Alex was in nursery.

More progress, yeah .....
Katrina did the handover when I picked Alex up from nursery. She said he played with one of the children this morning - he is interacting with them. I just cannot believe my ears and had to ask her to repeat. Caroline, the SENCO visited Alex today. She was really pleased with his progress and was impressed with the record keeping of Alex's progress.

No wonder the dark clouds above my head gradually disappears. I am so glad that there are so many help at hand and I am sure Alex's progress has much to do with the help he has been getting.

Adrinna rang today to find out about Alex's progress - she was really happy for us. I am grateful that I have family and friends who cared so much for us.

I will continue with my course work next week. It has been more than two months since I last submitted my assignments. The worries and heartache took a toll on my mental health and impossible to concentrate on my studies. The sun is shinning and no dark clouds above my head - there is no excuse not to continue with my studies now.

Can't wait till tomorrow - what will my little boy do next?

To many it may not be significant or even taken for granted, but to me it's a big deal.

For the first time today, Alex pulled me along - leading me to Jeremy's car. He then walked over to our neighbour's house, trying to find out what the noise is all about. He looked into my neighbour's garage and pointed at few things while looking at me to get my attention. He is another step further from being Autistic. It's a good sign because he pointed and asked for attention with eye contact.

When I picked him up from the nursery today, his classmate a little girl saw me and quickly went to Alex and pulled him up from his seat and told him that mummy's here. You should see them - they looked so cute. All his classmates seemed to like him and they all wanted to protect him because he cannot communicate with them. What a strange sight. Alex is taller than most of the kids there yet they all look after him really well. Jeremy told me that when he dropped him off this morning, one of the little boy in his class shouted out "Good Morning Alex". I am just so happy that my little boy has so many friends. He is more confident at the nursery and even enjoyed it.

I am recording his progress on my blog as a reference for the future but mostly, I want to share my joy with everyone who reads this.

Never take what you can do for granted. Able to use a spoon to feed yourself or turning a door knob may seem easy to you but to some people, this is not an easy task. Count your blessing for being normal.

Yippee ....... Jeremy's finally got his car.

We have been looking for a decent car for Jeremy for sometime and finally, we got one today. It's a Ford Mondeo and it's immaculate. For a second hand car, it's worth every penny and more. Although it's not a Mazda 6 (Jeremy's dream car), it is good enough for now.

Jeremy's been bidding on several cars on Ebay and finally won one last week. When we went to see the car, it was not like what's described. Later in the week, he bid on another Mazda 6 and was the highest bidder but the reserve was not met. So, we went to Auto Trader website and found this Mondeo that we bought today. We went to see it last night and it was perfect but we had to make a few checks before we put an offer in.

This morning, Jeremy called the seller and confirmed the sale. Hours later, he shouted from upstairs and said that he received an email from the Mazda 6 seller offering him the car at what he bid for. The car was about 100 miles away from us but I told him that we should drive up to Bedford to see the car before we pay for the Mondeo. After all, the Mazda 6 was his dream car and if he could get the car, then all uncertainties will disappear.

I know Jeremy very very well. If he don't go and see this car and buy the Mondeo instead, there will always be a question mark and "what if"s. Everything happened in fast motion - we had to take Alex out of nursery early and arrange for Jeremy's parents to babysit Alex as we don't want to take him all the way. He can have a nap there and play with his grandparents while we rush about. We have to brave the traffic on M25 and M1 during peak hour and then return to get the Mondeo by 7:00pm (if we didn't like the Mazda 6).

When we finally got there, the car was not as described on Ebay and once again we were disappointed. So, we had to get to the Mondeo by 7:00pm but the traffic on M1 heading towards London was totally at a stand still almost 10 miles from the point of roadworks. Luckily we had our SatNav with us and took an alternate route avoiding the motorway. What a "delight", the SatNav took us through scenic route and country lanes that only one vehicle could pass at any one time. My God! It's a total nightmare and finally we got back in time for the car.

We paid for the car, Jeremy drove his Mondeo and I on my Focus C-Max (yeah, it's mine now) and he sped off in a huff. He was really happy with the car and he definitely has no doubt with his purchase.

Tomorrow, we will go and get a new booster seat for Alex to put in his daddy's car. I am so tired now, I could go to bed this instant.

Yeah ......

We saw the Paediatrician today.

Both Jeremy and I have prepared ourselves for the worst but it wasn't as bad as we would have thought. We spent about 1 hour and 30 minutes with Dr Irani this morning. Started off with answering some questions and then he examined Alex, the usual, ear scan, chest, stomach and reflexes. All of which seemed normal and then he interacted with Alex asking him to stack up blocks, name body parts, understanding of verbs etc. Whilst doing all these, Alex displayed all his hand flapping, teeth grinding and quirkiness.

Dr Irani explained that some normal children may display some autistic symptoms but they will eventually lose them as they mature. Alex displayed all the signs of autistic mannerism. He said that Alex definitely falls in the autism spectrum but on the mildest scale. He said that he is confident that Alex will eventually talk and attend mainstream education. He is highly intelligent and can do or understand more than his peers. He lacks social interaction and I can't recall the actual term he used but something along the line of socially impaired. He will give us a thorough report and then meet in four weeks time to discuss in detail after all the other assessments have been completed. The people at Margaret Wells are very attentive and very positive as well.

When he told us that Alex tick all the boxes for autism spectrum on the mannerism aspect, I felt nothing. Because I knew that he will eventually talk and that he is getting help from people who knows what to do. Dr Irani did mentioned that a lot of Autistic children on the mild scale grows into normal adult and one cannot actually tell that he is autistic. I just hope what he said was true but somehow deep down inside, I know Alex is not. We have another appointment to see another Paediatrician next week and a second opinion would be welcomed.

Based on an hour and a half is not sufficient as Dr Irani said and as parents we know him better than anyone as he may not always co-operate with the assessors.

He excelled in gross motor skills but fine motor skills impaired. Socially, he does not always engage with an eye contact and he excelled intellectually.

To us, Alex will always be our little baby - we will love him and move mountains for him. No label will change that.

We were out in the garden while Jeremy sleeps in. He came back at 7:30am this morning from a twelve hour night shift.

I showed Alex the Bluebells and some yellow flowers (I have no idea what it's called) in the garden this morning. He was walking about discovering new things and when I asked him where the Bluebells are ..... he walked to them and showed them to me. Then I asked him where are the yellow flowers ..... he walked all the way to the back of the garden and point at them. I was just so proud of him. I am just so amazed at how fast he learn and how much he understand things.

I taught him how to pull his pants down and pull his shirt up this morning and when I asked him to undress himself this evening, he did just that but with a little help from mummy. My little boy is growing up so quickly all of a sudden. I think he is like a plant .... grow when there are plenty of sunshine .... ha haha

Everyday, I learn something new about my son. I have been talking to my neighbours and everyone seems to have a child with a problem at some point or knows someone who does. Claire's daughter Sian can't/won't walk until she was two years old. They thought she had spinal problem and went to numerous specialists only to find that nothing is really wrong with her. Then one day, she just decided to stand up and ran.

Jean's youngest son also could not talk until he was four and he had to go to speech therapy. He is now married with children. All my neighbours are really great when you start talking to them. Sometimes it's good to talk to someone about your problem - you may think you are all alone with your problems but there are others out there just like you.

Tomorrow, we will be meeting with the Paediatrician for a full body assessment. I am keeping my fingers crossed.

Sunny, lazy day with no incentive to move a muscle.

After yesterday's therapeutic burning session, I am all burnt out. I can't find an ounce of energy to do anything except cooking for my dearly beloved before he goes to work.

I have been watching tv all day while my little Alex naps and I am still not up to date yet. I have recorded almost twenty hours worth of series that I didn't have time to watch. I finished with my favourites i.e. Ugly Betty, Desperate Housewives, Criminal Minds, Close to Home and NCIS. CSI still to come and I think I am TVed out (if there is such a word).

We spent so much time out the garden with Alex that we hardly watched any television. Alex loved the swing and it's really nice to see him laugh and enjoy something this much.

He hasn't been doing his hand flapping as much as he used to lately. I taught him to clap his hands when he is happy or excited. He would clap his hands when he remembers but both Jeremy and I had to remind him most of the time. He is getting a hang of it now and when we asked him to wave, he will do it where previously, we had to help him wave.

He is also very comfortable at nursery and when I went to collect him yesterday afternoon, they were playing outside and Alex was playing along side the girls but not the boys. All the boys seemed to play in groups even at this age but the girls doing their things individually. It has only been two months since Alex started nursery and we can see the changes in him.

I do hope that he will continue to thrive and I will try not to worry too much. I will now concentrate on what he can do and not worry too much on what he cannot. Perhaps being too overwhelmed by worries that I forgot how to enjoy my son. My little monster is really quite cheeky - he is one huggable and loving monster.

It's Friday the 13th.

I don't think I'm superstitious .... in the past, I have flown to few places on Friday the 13th and nothing untoward happened.

Anyway, it's sunny and bright and blue bells all over the place. I would expect them sometime next week but because the weather is so warm, they are early this year. There is no sign of "April Shower" either due to the high pressure and now the wind is bringing the warm air from the East. Hah .... I am suddenly turning into a weather expert. Weather does play a very important role to your mood. I felt 1000% better with this weather compared to the gloomy, wet, cold and miserable weather earlier this year.

Alex got a sticker from nursery today for "Good Behaviour" and I am just so proud of him. With this weather, he has been playing out in the garden everyday and he is not bothered with no TV time.

Jeremy and I borrowed an incinerator from our neighbour and burned all the old fences away. That brought back memories from my childhood again. There's something about burning stuff that is quite therapeutic. We quite enjoyed it but the smell and smoke is awful though.

When we were children (not so long ago), I wouldn't say that our family is pure Buddhist but we do honour the "Goddess of Mercy" and a few other Deities which one would consider "Taoism".
Every first day of the Lunar calender and on the 15th, that's the full moon, we honour our God with joss sticks, candles and offerings (paper money that you burn). Adrinna and I would volunteer to guard the incinerator to ensure that the offerings would all be burnt. We use a long stick to poke through the fire and turn the paper offering around. We enjoyed that ....

Sunny almost all day. A little warmer would be nice.

Life is a funny thing. Sometimes you feel like you are in a desert island with no help and no hope and other times you are in a party with all the right people to help you.

We are in a "party" today. Received a letter from Heatherwood Hospital this morning to let us know that their Paediatrician has an opening for Alex in two weeks time. Do we want the appointment? (All of a sudden, we get help from everywhere compared to few months back.) Of course we will take this appointment. Two opinions are better than one and we are just so glad ..... it's like someone up there is finally looking out for us.

What else can top that? I spoke to Alex's key carer Catherine this afternoon and she was so happy with his progress. He is starting to show interest in the class projects and she even thought that she heard him say "look". Anyway, they built a Volcano and to create an eruption -soda bicarbonate and vinegar is being used. Every child has a chance to try it out and Alex loved it so much that he wanted to do it twice.

Alex has been helping out at home too. For the past week, he has been choosing his own breakfast cereal. He also helped me to recycle my rubbish - when he wanted to throw something away, I will tell him which bin to go and he will open the back door and put the rubbish into the recycle bin. He has been my little helper all week. I just cannot believe how much he has matured in a week. He understand more and can follow instructions.

To celebrate today, we went to Toys'r'us and got Alex a Little Tikes Giant Slide. He was afraid at the beginning but after a few tries, he totally enjoyed it. Our son is an "adrenaline junkie" - just like his mum.

He played with his swing too and he had so much fun that we could actually hear him giggle for the first time. He usually have a straight face when on the swing but not now ..... he is laughing.

I could see rainbow, I could see hope and for once since early this year - I felt like a million dollar.

Cloudy all morning, followed by a sunny afternoon.

Yesterday's day out in the garden was really good for Alex. He slept the night through and we had our bed to ourselves.

We went to see the consultant at Margaret Wells-Furby Children Centre this morning. The centre was well managed and the consultant, Christina explained the details of working with Alex and us in a very professional manner. She was also very sympathetic towards our concerns.

Our first session next Monday starts with a meeting with the Paediatrician and followed by observation through playing. There will never be more than six children per session and this continues for the next four weeks with a specialist of a different field each week.

A report will then be sent to us after the four sessions. We will then be invited to a meeting with all the consultant and specialists to discuss the report and the way forward. There is however, a nine months waiting period for a Speech Therapist and it's not just in our area, there is a shortage of Speech Therapist nationally.

Christina did explain that after completing the four sessions, there will not necessarily be a diagnosis if all the consultants cannot agree with their findings. Should there be one, and if we believe it to be inaccurate, we can always challenge their findings and to find a solution together.

We like the way they work and we look forward to working with them.

Bekonscot Model Village

Some pictures to share. (Click on picture to see the whole album)

It's strange how you remembered fraction of your past when you see or smell something.

Two things reminded me of two different times in my past today.

I pulled the Sun lounger out of the shed to air it - I noticed a hole on the cushion and there must be a mouse in the shed. Anyway, while lazying on the lounger, a snap shot of the big mouse running past the kitchen floor in one of our many homes. Our home, a shop house (as we called it in Malaysia) is on the first floor above a row of commercial buildings. On the right, is a knitting business - heavy machinery used to knit cottons - end product t-shirts. On our left is a Danish cookie distributor sharing half a shop with a building contractor.

Till this day, I am not sure if they baked the cookies there or just packaging them but there is always the smell of cookies in the afternoon. We used to buy a large bag of broken cookies bits for very little money and loved it.

And then, there was the contractor with all his employees. I was in my teens then and had a crush with one of them. I remembered my face going all red when I walked passed him. I don't remember his name but I think he had a square chin like Jeremy. Anyway, that was the first guy I had a crush on and didn't even know his name.

We went to the Garden Centre to get some garden sack and peanuts for the birds. There's this place selling aquariums and tropical fishes attached to the Garden Centre and we went in with Alex to see the fishes. We then came across some turtles and they looked exactly like the ones I had as a child.

We had pet turtles when we were young. The size of a fifty pence when we got them and we loved them. They lived in a small plastic container until they were too big for it, my brother and sisters dug a hole in the garden and poured cement over it to make a nice little pond for our turtles. Sadly, the open space is too tempting for them and they escaped. Never to be seen again and the pond is just a pond with no turtles to live in.

More Sunny weather with an absolute Spring feel.

Gardening is the main event today. We were expecting the Fence contractor to show up today to have new fences erected. But, (there's always a but) he called real early to say that he wasn't coming because his Assistant picked up the wrong materials for the job. Being an Easter Monday Bank Holiday, the shops are closed. So, he couldn't get all the things he needed to get the job done. Delayed till Wednesday but he was really apologetic.

What do we do with such a lovely day? Jeremy started with sawing down the dead tree, Alex played with the swing in the garden and I helped a little with the garden, made lunch, had it in the garden "Al fresco" and then baked some "Triple Chocolate Muffins" (I am really really getting a hang on this baking stuff).

Alex loved the outdoors and he loved the pond full of fishes. This is the first time I have seen him point at something. He point at the fish and we will say "fish" and he will giggle and then point again. It's like a game for him and he spent the whole afternoon on the swing and walking around discovering the garden.

This weekend has been good for us as a family as we spent it together well and enjoying every second of it together. I have not turned the computer on for days hence, no blogging. But I am back and I will continue to share my ups and downs with my diary.

Bright and Sunny with a touch of breeze.

We woke up early this morning, had breakfast and went to Blackbushe Sunday Market. It has been almost six years since I've last been.

Time changes everything but Blackbushe is still the same with most of the same traders and a few more. It was busy but the weather was fantastic - sunny and warm.

I used to go there with my ex and we will walk around the market (not buying most of the time) - our first stop was a stall selling Chinese food. I loved the spicy stir-fried noodles and would eat while walking around the market. We will walk from row to row starting from the left till we finished at the other end. Most of the stalls sell the same things anyway and I suspect they run by the same family.

I forgot where the Chinese stall was and we settled for hot dog and "Padthai". Soon after we finished our Thai noodle, I saw the stall and then I realised we didn't have the stomach for it.

Well, there's always next time. Alex enjoyed the walk and so did Jeremy but we had to go as Alex was suffering. He had a bad case of allergy - watery eyes and stuffy nose.

We then went to Jeremy's parents and had Sunday lunch. Enjoyed the sun in the garden and went straight home for Alex's nap time.

Conclusion: a good day overall and we are starting to enjoy the outdoor as a family.

Sunny and bright all day.

It's Neville's 65th Birthday party tonight. Happy Birthday Neville .... (Neville is my ex's father. Is there such a term as ex father-in-law?)

My relationship with my ex's family are quite good even though I am no longer married to their son. Alex knows them as Grandpa Neville and Grandma Alice. Even immediate relatives like Neville's father and sisters, we kept in touch, they send Alex Christmas and Birthday presents every year. They are considered my family in England and I am very proud and honoured to have them as my family.

Shown here in the video is Alex's first skittle game. Mummy helped obviously but he totally enjoyed the night. He did his victory dance when everyone cheered. He was the only baby invited to the party with close to 30 other guests. All the guests are Neville's family, friends and neighbours - most of them known me from the days when I first arrived in UK.

Andrew (my ex) and Tanya his partner made a special visit flying 7,000 miles from Bangkok to surprise Neville. When we arrived at the party, I could see quite a few familiar faces besides the relatives and they were really surprised to see me. You could see it from their faces - hmm .... what's the ex-wife doing here with her new man and child? At the other end of the room is the ex-husband and his new woman? To many, it could be a strange sight but we actually get along really well - in fact, Alex likes Andrew and Tanya. And they in turn adored him.

Tanya is good for Andrew. I do hope that he finally found happiness with Tanya as I did with Jeremy.

The mail man brought great news today!

We received a letter from Margaret Wells-Furby this morning and it made my day. We will be meeting the consultants on Tuesday, 10th April in the morning. And then the assessment on every Monday for four consecutive weeks starting 16th of this month. I rang Jeremy at work immediately and told him the good news plus asking him to ring his parents if they could baby sit Alex next Tuesday. They agreed immediately and after that I had to ring Alex's nursery to change the Mondays to Wednesdays. Everything went so smoothly today that I could jump for joy!

I am all prepared for anything and thank my sisters for their encouragements and comments. Whatever will be will be and we will still love him dearly. I know that everyone meant well and wanted to assure me that everything will turn out alright but sometimes, like I say - the not knowing is the killer. If Alex is diagnose with any condition, at least we know that we can help him at this very early stage. If we just let nature takes it course, it may be too late and we would blame ourselves in the future for not doing anything sooner.

To celebrate today, I baked another cake and this time I did put in the main ingredient. I made plum cake and Alex loved it. He wanted seconds but I said "no".

I also cooked a curry for Jeremy and while we were having dinner, an old client that I used to work for rang. He wanted me to help him with his new restaurant but I had to decline. He wouldn't take no for an answer and insisted that I think about it. I told him that I will ring him back with my decision after Tuesday. It's quite nice to know that you're wanted for something and people can't take no for an answer. I must have done something right for him in the past or I wouldn't have to decline him twice. I met him once last year and declined his offer as I had to go back to Malaysia to see my family.

Could the stars be in the right place for me today? I have not read my horoscopes for a long long time and perhaps I should start..... or maybe not.

Oh, by the way - it's really sunny and bright today.

Funny how the weather changed from warm and sunny 18C to a miserably 9C in a matter of twelve hours.

It's wet and "yucky" all day. My plan was to take Alex to Windsor riverside to feed the swans but that didn't happen because it was wet and cloudy. We went to a used car dealer to test drive the Mazda 6 that Jeremy has been eyeing for ages. He loved the car - excellent acceleration, holds well and blah blah blah. However, there was a little ding here and scratches there .... but most importantly, this particular model doesn't have a Bose stereo built-in. So, he is looking out for one on Ebay and he has done some research too - he knows what to pay.

We didn't think much about anything today - just a lazy day as Jeremy is back for morning shift tomorrow.

The Health Visitor's assistant rang back this afternoon. She checked with Margaret Wells and confirmed that a letter will be sent to us that they will see us on the 16th of April. Our heart suddenly felt light and for some reason, we could see the sun emerging from behind the dark clouds. Funnily enough, it has also been registered as the hottest day for end-March beginning April. Don't know what it means - only the weather people can explain that.

Anyway, I thought I'll do some baking to relax my roller coaster emotions. Decided to pick a St Lucia Banana Cake as my project for the afternoon. I actually enjoyed baking!!!

It's great to bake when you have a dishwasher. The amount of stuff used to make a cake is unimaginable but, I did make one hell of a cake. One hour and forty five minutes later, the oven buzzed and guess what? I did not put the mashed banana into the mixing!!!

The cake was quite good even without the main ingredient. Jeremy was laughing so much that he called me a "Nonkett" - the name of the cake should have given me ample clue that I needed banana to make one.

We felt much better now. Just waiting for the other call from Caroline and everything will be alright. I guess .....

It's the first time Jeremy cried since we discovered that there is something not right with Alex. He has been the strong one so far but this morning, we hugged each other and cried our hearts out.

We can accept if our son has been diagnosed with a certain condition but what is killing us now is not knowing. Our appointment with Margaret Wells-Furby Children Centre has been delayed. We received a letter two weeks ago to say that we are on a waiting list.

What started this emotional out pour? We took Alex to Beckenscot Model Village yesterday and spent about 3 hours there. He walked around and looked at modal trains - going around the village. He can even anticipate the train emerging from the tunnel. But, he didn't show any emotion, just a straight face and very very quiet. We see normal children around us laughing, talking, enjoying the day out. In a way, we are very proud that he doesn't act like a little monkey but, he didn't look like he enjoyed it.

We then had our lunch at the play area, there were so many children and their parents watching whilst having lunch. As soon as we took him to the slide, he got so excited that he did his arm flapping and all the quirky movements. We felt that all eyes looked at us at the playground but we were determined to let our son enjoy the slide. When it's time to go, he cried and scream for a while but when we explained to him that we had to go see his grandparents, he was fine.

At his grandparents house, he was happy - he even looked at a book with farm animals in it. We asked him which animal is which and he pointed at everyone of them correctly - he is a very smart boy.

This morning, when I took him to nursery - he cried when I left him. There were only one carer in his room this morning with ten other children, I thought I'll stay for awhile and sat at the corner to wait for the other carer to show up. I saw all the other children playing except Alex, sitting at the other corner all by himself. I felt I betrayed him because I want him to be independent but he looked sad - mummy didn't sit next to him. I left feeling miserable and cried all the way home in the car.

When I reached home, I told Jeremy I needed a hug and that's when he broke down as well. He said it was the first time he felt embarrassed with his son. He could not help feeling that way as all eyes were looking at us. I felt like that once upon a time but I began to accept it. Alex did not choose to behave like that and what is worst? We didn't know what is happening to him. Is he happy? Is he sad? We can't really tell because he doesn't show his emotions. He only laughed when we tickled him and he will also laugh at the TV when someone looked silly. Other than that, we don't know if he enjoyed himself or anything. He is very affectionate however.

We called his Health Visitor to find out if there is anything she could do to expedite the matter, she is on holiday for a week and will get back to us. We called Caroline of SENCO to find out if Teddies, his nursery is the right place for him - she could not be reached. We left a message and still waiting to hear from her. The world seemed to pause for the week as Easter is around the corner and school holiday just started.

We can only wait but the wait is killing us.