It's the first time Jeremy cried since we discovered that there is something not right with Alex. He has been the strong one so far but this morning, we hugged each other and cried our hearts out.

We can accept if our son has been diagnosed with a certain condition but what is killing us now is not knowing. Our appointment with Margaret Wells-Furby Children Centre has been delayed. We received a letter two weeks ago to say that we are on a waiting list.

What started this emotional out pour? We took Alex to Beckenscot Model Village yesterday and spent about 3 hours there. He walked around and looked at modal trains - going around the village. He can even anticipate the train emerging from the tunnel. But, he didn't show any emotion, just a straight face and very very quiet. We see normal children around us laughing, talking, enjoying the day out. In a way, we are very proud that he doesn't act like a little monkey but, he didn't look like he enjoyed it.

We then had our lunch at the play area, there were so many children and their parents watching whilst having lunch. As soon as we took him to the slide, he got so excited that he did his arm flapping and all the quirky movements. We felt that all eyes looked at us at the playground but we were determined to let our son enjoy the slide. When it's time to go, he cried and scream for a while but when we explained to him that we had to go see his grandparents, he was fine.

At his grandparents house, he was happy - he even looked at a book with farm animals in it. We asked him which animal is which and he pointed at everyone of them correctly - he is a very smart boy.

This morning, when I took him to nursery - he cried when I left him. There were only one carer in his room this morning with ten other children, I thought I'll stay for awhile and sat at the corner to wait for the other carer to show up. I saw all the other children playing except Alex, sitting at the other corner all by himself. I felt I betrayed him because I want him to be independent but he looked sad - mummy didn't sit next to him. I left feeling miserable and cried all the way home in the car.

When I reached home, I told Jeremy I needed a hug and that's when he broke down as well. He said it was the first time he felt embarrassed with his son. He could not help feeling that way as all eyes were looking at us. I felt like that once upon a time but I began to accept it. Alex did not choose to behave like that and what is worst? We didn't know what is happening to him. Is he happy? Is he sad? We can't really tell because he doesn't show his emotions. He only laughed when we tickled him and he will also laugh at the TV when someone looked silly. Other than that, we don't know if he enjoyed himself or anything. He is very affectionate however.

We called his Health Visitor to find out if there is anything she could do to expedite the matter, she is on holiday for a week and will get back to us. We called Caroline of SENCO to find out if Teddies, his nursery is the right place for him - she could not be reached. We left a message and still waiting to hear from her. The world seemed to pause for the week as Easter is around the corner and school holiday just started.

We can only wait but the wait is killing us.