Clockwise: Autumn 2006 (5+), Summer 2002 (1+) and Summer 2003 (2+)

Our little Jade - the precious one in the Hoh family.

There are four daughters and a son in our family and my brother is the least I wrote about. My brother Vincent, the eldest one in the family is eight years older than me and yes, it's the age gap that we don't have much to say to each other. However, we have one thing in common - we both love Jade dearly.

Vincent and his wife Grace has been married for 13 years. They have been trying for years to conceive. Take cold shower, different position, IVF, Hormone treatment .... you name it, they've tried it. Each time ended with heartache .... I couldn't understand the pain that my sister-in-law endured in those times until I lost mine. She and my brother are a strong couple. Like any strong soul, there comes a point where you totally lost it. They gave up trying.

Jade, conceived naturally on their second honeymoon. Is God trying to tell us something here?

She was such a joy, a very intelligent and happy little girl. Cheeky yet caring and leaves a huge impression in ones life if you happen to cross her path.

Jeremy met her for the very first time in Summer 2003 and they instantly bonded. She made up a song specially for him and when we left Kuala Lumpur, of all the wonderful things he experienced, he misses her the most.

Next on my blog will be Trixie's children, Marcus and Yvonne.

I received an email from my travel agent today. The direct flight price to Kuala Lumpur, Malaysia is quite cheap. I suddenly have an urge to join my sister Adrinna and her children in KL this summer. Sadly, I cannot ......

Reason One: We are saving for our very important trip to Florida next year - Erin's bar mitzvah, a religious initiation ceremony of a Jewish boy/girl who has reached the age of 13. I promised her that I will be there.

Reason Two: We are buying another car - priority

Reason Three (the most important): Alex started to settle in his nursery and if I take him away again for a couple of months, we will be starting from scratch again. It's not fair to him at all.

I suppose .... I am a bit of a Nomad. I cannot get settled in a place for a long period of time and when I do, I felt like going away again. This could be because of my childhood. I lost count of the number of times we moved home since I could remember things.

For Alex's sake, I have to learn to get settled myself. I want to give him all that I do not have as a child.

Don't get me wrong .... we were loved dearly by our parents and they give us the best they could - we were better off then a lot of people.

Sorry folks, haven't been well lately and nothing to update except snuffly nose and sleepless nights.

Any Hu ..... bit my tongue this afternoon and it's bruised at the tip. I could still feel the numbness and I cannot say words with ssssssss.......

Alex is having his nap at the moment .... he didn't want his nap at his usual time and was very playful until he could no longer open his eyes. I have a little peace until he wakes again in an hour.

Went and bought myself a recipe books for cakes, scones and flapjacks. Thought I'll try a little baking since my dearly beloved built the kitchen for me last winter. I always have this image in my mind - baking a cake with my Alex. He will have flour on his face and on the tip of his nose - I will hand him the spatula and he licks the icing off. Sounded a little like "Little House on the Prairie" right?

We were also thinking of buying another car and have been looking on Ebay for a bargain. Almost got one yesterday but should have known it's too good to be true. Turns out it was a Cat D insurance write-off.

We have been sharing a car up till now as Alex is going to school three days a week. On days when Jeremy works early, we all including Alex had to wake up at 5am and drop Daddy at work and then Alex at nursery. By 10am, Alex would be so tired that he gets moody .... not a productive day for him. So, we decided to take part of the holiday fund to buy a small car for Jeremy.

So, no holidays this year and keep hoping that I will strike the lottery. I don't need a million just £250,000 would do!!!!

Yujiro and Erin (Best of friends) Left to Right: taken in Summer 1996 and February 2000

o o

^

O

Guess what I found in the attic today? A whole box of old photos and many many rolls of APS films but don't know where the prints are. I am going to send the APS for image transfer to CD in the next few days and then upload it onto PICASA.

Yujiro and Erin was the two oldest grandchild for a long long time and then out of the blue came the rest in short intervals. When Erin visits, they play together like siblings - yes, they fight like one as well ;-)

Anyway, I spoke to Erin today and she has grown so much. She still sound like a little girl but she talks like a teenager. I just can't wait to see her again - the earliest would be (if all goes well) Summer next year. She will be flying to England to see us on her own!

While clearing some boxes, I found a file full of artwork - from Erin, Joshua and Yujiro (mostly Erin). They made birthday cards with glitters and I will treasure them forever. One day, when I am old and ready to go, I will send their finest work back to them and for them to share with their own family. But for the moment, they are for me to keep and I am so glad I have them.

Yujiro at almost thirteen

Time passes so quickly, I didn't realised we are almost at the end of March 2007. I checked my inbox this morning and found my sister, Sue's invitation for Yujiro and Jun Hua's birthday party next week.

Yujiro is turning thirteen on Monday and Jun Hua, one year old. I can still remember when I first held Yujiro in my arms. I went to see my sister and Yujiro at the hospital after work with a friend. He was so tiny and scrawny and I just fell in love with him instantly. He was like a son to me and I used to take him to work with me on weekends.

Two weeks ago, I called for my sister and Yujiro answered the phone. He sounded like a man - it caught me by surprise. When I was back home in December, he was still a little boy and then not long after, he sounded like a duck and then an ox. Finally, he sounded like a man and I was surprised. I am not prepared to accept him as an adult yet as he will always be the little scrawny baby I held in my arms.

Great memories flood into my mind as I am writing this blog. Not long before I married my ex, Yujiro used to say "When I grow up, I will make lots of money and buy you a house". And then I replied, "what about a car?" and then he said in an innocent manner, "and that as well". Although, I knew he didn't really know what he was talking about, it made me feel good.

Few months after the wedding, I was to join my husband in England. I was at one point reluctant to leave, my worry was - I will miss watching Yujiro grow up. But I left anyway.

He is turning thirteen and the next time I see him, he might be introducing his girlfriend to me. My only wish for him now is, he will always be happy - whether it's studies, job, love or family.

Sar Ee (third auntie) will always love you!

I had an email from an "old flame" today.

The email didn't say much - just how was life and why didn't I keep in touch. I don't know how to reply and still thinking what to say. Should I think there is a motive behind this email? After all, it's been almost ten years since we last spoke and he got my email from a mutual friend who introduced us.

I am happily settled with the man I love and a son we adore. I don't really see the purpose in keeping in touch and if I replied, he might think that I have a motive. I am not saying that a man and woman cannot be friends after a relationship ends but an email after 10 years?

What should I do?

Been feeling off today. Fine when I woke up but then all of a sudden I felt quizzy and massive headache. Took two Neurofen and it all went away.

Alex had it worst then me, he hasn't been well for the past two days with the sudden change of weather and temperature. He's had stuffy and runny nose which made it hard for him to sleep at night.

While recovering, I watched a documentary about families with ten children or more. Watching these mothers with their children, my problem seemed rather small. They have gone through at least ten potty trainings and so much to do, they don't even have a minute to themselves. I salute them and really, they still want more. One couple already had 13 children, youngest is two is still trying for number 14. The wife is 42 years old and she has been taking hormones and when that didn't work, they went to a doctor for IVF. She has had nine miscarriages over the years and yet, she is still determined to have more. What a brave woman!!!

When I had my miscarriage two years ago, I was devastated. I was having post natal blues when we got pregnant again - Alex was just six months old.

Alex was not responding well to me then and I felt really bad - I thought my son didn't love me (of course, that was the work of depression). So, when I found out that I was pregnant again, I wanted this one to be mine and that this baby will love me. Then, the fetal stop growing at 8 weeks - I was crushed.

For sometime after that, I found myself mourning for the baby I almost had. Jeremy was always there for me when I felt depressed. We then decided, we will not have anymore children. We will concentrate on our Alex and give him the best that we could.

Having just the one child really does have its disadvantages, we worried too much and always felt that we haven't done enough.

My parents have five children and they have never had this problem - worrying that we would never talk or even if by chance that we have some sort of disability.

I supposed if you have more than one child, there are far more to worry about and you just get on with life.

It did snow a little today but the ground was too wet for the snow to set.

I was chatting to a friend today and the subject of Feng Shui and spirits was discussed. She recently moved into a house by the beach with her young son and husband. Since they arrived, they all seem to get sick one after the other and she said it could be bad "Feng Shui". I told her it could be because her house is by the beach and the cold wind could be the cause of their ill health. Anyway, I told her not to scare herself or she may end up "seeing" something .... which is what the human mind does. Once you put an idea into your head, you may just see things.

When Alex was about 8 weeks old, we went to visit his grandparents' home. I was still breast-feeding then and had to go to one of the rooms for privacy to nurse my son. It was Jeremy's late grandmother's room and she passed away some years ago - I have never met her. It was a warm day outside but this particular room seem to be very cold. So, I quickly did my business and walked out saying nothing.

That night, Jeremy was working late shift and I was home alone with Alex. After feeding Alex, I had to burp him and then ..... he looked at the curtain, smiling and his head following something .... moving across the room. At this point, I was totally freaked out .... I could feel the hair on my back standing. Alex refused to sleep and kept smiling and making noises as if he was talking to someone.

Finally, I said "Alex needs to sleep now, please let him sleep". As if by magic, Alex stopped playing and went to sleep. I could not sleep that night. I dare not look around either .... just wrapped myself real tight under the duvet and wait for day break.

I thought .... perhaps, Jeremy's late grandmother's spirit followed us home. Because not that long after her passing, Jeremy stayed the night in her room and he felt a presence. He could not move nor scream .... just saw a gray figure that resembled his grandmother. He told me this a few weeks before our visit to his parents' home.

Could it be my imagination because he told me the story, or was it her spirit who followed us home?

Alex still look at one particular painting in our room and smiled to her. I chose to think it was his Guardian Angel and not anything else.

I was expecting snow today but it didn't arrive - just an icy windscreen and a cold cold day.

I was suppose to take Jeremy to work and then Alex to nursery but I decided not to at the very last minute. I do not like driving in snow or icy road.

When I first arrived in the UK, I thought yippee .... snow but then I drove to work and met with an accident. It wasn't a bad one but enough to deter me from driving again in the snow. I was not experienced enough to handle the car and did not know that I am not supposed to brake when its icy. Well, I know now and do not wish to try again. Having said that, if I do not fight this fear of mine, I won't be able to perform my duty.

I have no fear when I was young ... or at least I thought so. I used to be an adrenalin junkie - I'll go on the highest and most exciting ride in the park. I could watch horror movie in the dark all by myself but now, since I became a mum .... I could not watch horror movie and I go all giddy on a ride. All my friends seem to say the same thing - once you turned into a mum, you have fear.

Mothers could forget the pain they endured during childbirth and take all the rubbish that life throws at them but they are afraid of Roller Coasters. Isn't it ironic?

It's Mother's Day today!!!

We celebrate Mother's Day earlier in UK and normally a few weeks before Easter. Not much happened today coz I made sure I didn't do much (ha ha ha). Alex came to my room at 3am this morning and hijacked my side of the bed. It was cold in his room so, he needed a cuddle and some company. I could not sleep with this little human compass next to me. Both Jeremy and I sleeps at a North/South angle but our little minky chose to sleep at an East/West angle. So, I grabbed my pillow and slept on his bed instead. There goes, an early morning of musical bed!

Then came 9am and something sharp poking my face. My little Alex presented a Mother's Day card to me with a smile. I took the card and gave him a cuddle .... his smile .... they just melt any heart. His Dad, stood by his side giving me this huge grin and you knew he is up to no good. But he didn't. He was an Angel .... doing a whole lot of laundry for me. Looking at the pile of laundry, I just could not believe how much Alex could go through in a few days. Just his lot takes up two loads and I did one load just three days back.

Jeremy's mum and dad came over and I made a light lunch for us all. Alex was just so happy to see them that he giggled and laugh the whole afternoon. His grandparents don't think there is anything wrong with Alex. They would probably think that his poo smelt like roses too (ha ha ha). His grandad sworn that he heard him say "Alex" when they asked him his name.

They left at 3pm and Alex went for his nap, leaving just Jeremy and me with a cuppa watching recorded series ..... V+ ..... Mankind's greatest invention!!!!

We just felt like taking Alex for a day out. Beale Park is the closest place to go at the spur of moment. The weather was forecast to be sunny but from tomorrow, wind chills to be expected and Scotland covered with snow. We may have snow on Monday and cold throughout next week. How freaky can the weather be? Daffodils are all over the place and it felt like Spring. That's why, we decided to take Alex out and he totally enjoyed himself - so much so, he didn't want to leave the Park. The smile on our son's face is priceless!

Beale Park

We had a great day at Beale Park today. (Click on picture to navigate to album on my Picasa site).

Sitting on my couch browsing the ELC (Early Learning Centre) catalogue, I was amazed at how sophisticated toys are these days. Although things are more advanced and the toys looks really nice and cool - I still prefer old fashion toys. I don't find modern toys able to enhance children's creativity and imagination. Yes, they may have real to life toys like vacuum cleaner, oven or the ridiculous baby doll that can wet itself with the expensive accessories like pram and booster seat, they cannot compete with the old fashion cardboard doll. Everything that children played with comes from cardboard boxes from the shelves. Where is the creativity?

When I was a little girl not so long ago (I wished), I used to draw and cut out paper clothes for my doll. Made her a bed out of two pieces of cardboard or paper - glued them together and cut a line on top to make a blanket and drew a pillow for her. That's what you call imagination and problem solving. I used to play pretend with Adrinna and drew a cheque (copying my dad's real cheque book) and fold paper wallet to put them in. We used our mum's old pots and pans and pretend to play cooking. Never heard of Toys'r'us - just the corner shop with a small toy section.

Then I got older and earned my own money, came Toys'r'us. I used to walk around looking at all the toys and wished I could have them. Came Yujiro, my first nephew and the only baby in the family, I just cannot resist myself and bought him toys to satisfy my own desire.

Now that I have my own child, I hardly buy him toys because all the toys that he has, are given by his grandparents, friends and relatives. If I had to get him something, it's gonna be educational toys or old fashion ones. I am not sure if I will ever give in getting him a playstation or nintendo?

He's dry for the first part of the day - yippee!!!

I woke him up and put him on the potty. Five minutes turned to an hour ..... still no sign of pee. Can't wait any longer as we are way late for nursery. So, I put him in the car, sent him to school and informed his carer to expect an accident or two. Went home and put the kettle on.

Half past one, went into his classroom to pick him up and the carer told me that he did a wee in the pot (not much) and have been dry since. He even earned two stickers for good table manners and his work of art - displayed on the board. Eureka!!!

I have never been prouder - please keep fingers cross for tomorrow.

Triangle, Square, Circle and Rectangle. Alex knows them all.

We bought a set of flash card today. We wanted some continuation at home of what he learnt from nursery. So, while he was on the potty today, I showed him the set of cards. My son could identify all the shapes and associate object to shapes. He knows that the sandwich is triangle and the ball is a circle. I was just so proud of him - lots of praises and he totally enjoyed it. He giggled and laughed that I ended up laughing too.

I don't remember understanding shapes and colours when I was his age. I went to Kindergarten at six years of age and that was when my education started. Today's children are smarter and knows far more than we did at their age. I remember Erin telling me who drew the "Sunflower" when she was just four years old. Early education certainly has its advantages but it also make children grow up quicker. We expect our children to be able to feed themselves at three years old and dress themselves by four.

My mum used to feed Adrinna and me from the same bowl but with different spoons - I was about six and Adrinna, four. We have a life time to be adults and only a decade as children. Why can't we let them enjoy childhood? Spoil them rotten ..... Before you could say "ah" .... they are all grown up - leaving the nest.

"To give or not to give that is the question?"

Shakespeare would certainly say this if there were charity organisations asking for money in his days. There are so many charity bodies out there and which one should you support?

I received a telephone call from OXFAM day before yesterday. "Good Evening Ms Hoh, I am calling from OXFAM, do you have a minute to spare?" The ever so polite me would never be rude to tele-marketeers as they are only making a living. "Yes, what is it regarding?" Then came the sales pitch..... something to do with Sudan and that villagers and children are drinking dirty water etc. I had to stop her there .... "Yes, I am aware and I have been supporting Save the Children. I'm sure that part of my money will also go to the same place". And then came the hard sell .... they are not the same and that blah blah blah. At this point, I said I prefer to support my preferred charity and thank her for her time. In such circumstances, what would you have done? I have limited resources and there are so many of them - which do I choose? I would love to help them all if I could but there are too many using charity as a product. I recently read an article in Reader's Digest about "Where does your charity cash go?" and found what I read quite disturbing. Some organisation, I won't say which - only used 66% of the fund for real charity work and the rest goes to administration and running costs for their shops. Majority of those working in the charity shops are volunteers - so where does the money go?

From left: Adrinna, Joshua, Erin, Me and Yujiro (picture taken in December 2001)

I was in the middle of editing our local newsletter, Bullbrook News when Adrinna MSN me. She asked me how I was and yadee.... yadaa..... and then the good news. The day is full of good news and the sun was shinning brightly as well. How great can that be?

Anyway, back to my story ..... She was invited to attend a seminar for exchange program to a few universities and one of them was to Oxford University in England. Unfortunately, she is not going to take up any of the offers. Taking the offer meant she had to leave Bill and the kids for a year. I was a little disappointed to be honest but I know what it's like to be a wife and mother. I cannot leave Jeremy and Alex behind even for a day not to mention a year. She was very happy however, only students with exceptional result gets the invite to the seminar. I am just so proud of my sister. Hip hip hurray!!!

Today's photo was taken in December 2001. Yujiro went to live with Adrinna that year. Every one's life was turned upside down that year and the following months. Sue was in financial trouble because of the recession in Malaysia. She was a freelance interior designer and a single parent with a big mortgage. That was the year when everyone in our family worked together to help each other out. Adrinna took Yujiro into her home for a year and provide him with education and love. My baby sister is a star - she put her nephew's need first rather than her own children's and because of that, she struggled with her conscious. It's never easy when you take care of someone else's child. You can make your choice for your kids but when it comes to someone else's - you had to do the best. You don't want to be seen as favouring your own kids over others. It was difficult but we got through. During that year, Yujiro was not the kid that I once knew, he was quiet and sad looking. He missed his mum terribly but he had to remain brave for his mother. Eventhough he was just a seven year-old child, he was very matured. It broke my heart to see my beloved nephew suffer in silence.

Sue came to live with me in England for six months. She found a job working with me and saved all her money to repay her debts. When she was living with us (my ex and me) in a one bedroom maisonette, I felt trapped. I had to take sides and listen to my husband complaining and sometimes, I actually got angry with her. My sister knew something that I didn't and she wasn't prepared to let me know fearing it could cost me my marriage.

I was working my butts off that year, my husband resigned from his job and decided to be self-employed. I was starting a home-delivery business for a friend and working as a freelance consultant for his restaurant as well. My husband wants me to help out with his business because he doesn't like meeting clients. All in all, I was working three jobs a day - going to bed at 2am everyday and up at 8am. Working as a delivery driver at night from 6pm to 12 midnight because we didn't have enough staff. Got home and continued with the accounts for the business - all these while my husband was in bed. I didn't mind .... honestly but the last straw came when I found him cheating on me.

I have never cried so much in my life. Three days and three nights with every single emotion that you can name, I went through them all. From Anger to self-pity and blaming myself, my tears finally dried. While I was going through all these, I had my sister by my side. She was there to support me and that made me felt even worst, because I didn't treat her fairly. I put my husband above her and I am so ashamed now even after all these years. I am sorry Sue.

I do not know why he cheated on me and he never told me why. We are still friends but I will never have closure. One thing for sure, I have him to thank for - he brought me Jeremy and my little Alex.

As sisters, we got closer. We appreciate each other and we love each other more. No one can take that from us.

To my sisters ......... All for one and one for all. I love you guys so much.

Today is a good day.
The morning started with a call from Caroline, the SENCO in charge of Alex's case. She had great news for us and I was in tears after that. The Government funding to assist Alex's development has been approved. They will be paying for a tutor to assist with his speech - 5 hours a week. I am so grateful and will send a Thank you card to Caroline for speeding up the process.
Secondly, Alex peed in the pot three times today!!!! Yippee........... I hope this will continue and be dry by next week. Everybody .... fingers cross for me please.
Finally, my V+ has arrived! I can now record and pause live TV. Record three channels at the same time and watch it when I have time. I can pause the news when I have to attend to my two men and not miss my daily dose of news. I missed that so much. I felt so out of touch with the world and had to buy newspapers - just to catch up. Well, ta-ta newspapers and welcome V+.

To my sisters Sue and Trixie.

I was flipping through a magazine this afternoon and saw a birthday cake decorated in silver balls on the side. It reminded me of my Six years old birthday cake which brought back the memories of Birthday cakes.
When we were young, we were not well off. Neither were we poor but our parents made sure that we were never lack of the basic necessities and the occasional luxuries. Buying a birthday cake would be too expensive but my sister, Trixie baked me a cake on my tenth birthday. I remembered it was a chocolate topping cake and I have some pictures to prove it. They are currently in my attic and when I do find them, I will post it in my blog.

Thank you Trixie

My birthday falls on Christmas day. One Christmas, I think it was my sixth or seventh birthday. My sisters Sue and Trixie, dressed me in a homemade Angel outfit. They made wings using gold papers and a wired wand to go with my white dress. They then took me to see my mum at the hairdressers a few blocks away. I remember that night very well. My dad played "Silver Bells" and "I'm Dreaming of a White Christmas" on the stereo. These two are my all time favourite Christmas songs. I never really thought about it in the past, why I liked them. Now that I am travelling back to memory lane, I know why.

Thank you Sue

We were talking to Bert across the street this afternoon and learned that his neighbour, Mary had passed away three weeks ago. God Bless her soul.
We have never really spoken to Mary but occasionally said "hello" and waved when we do see her outside her house. She looked pretty healthy for her age but you can tell that she has been suffering from arthritis or something along the line. My point is, one minute she is here and the next you heard that she is no longer around. It got me thinking, I have never really said how I felt about the people around me how much I appreciate them. From today onwards, I am going to tell them. I am going to tell them in my blog - how they affected my life and I thank them for it.