I haven't been myself since yesterday.

It's true I have accepted the diagnosis and it's also true that I have the occasional lump in my throat when I think of my son's future.

On Wednesday, I attended Family Support group at Margaret Wells-Furby Centre. There were only three family this week. Linda, whom I met when her son Joshua was assessed at the same time as Alex. Then there was also Catherine with her son Conner and two other older children whose normal. I say normal because they do not have any disabilities.

I supposed, out of the three of us, I am more fortunate because Alex has been diagnosed and we have a network of support on our way. Joshua who is three months younger than Alex has all the autistic mannerism but he can use a few hand signs. Because he only tick two out of the three boxes in order to be diagnosed as ASD, they cannot give him a definite diagnosis. This put them in Limbo land and had to wait another six months for a follow-up assessment to confirm a diagnosis. I sympathise with Linda and I know what it's like because I was in her shoes before the diagnosis.

During the session, the adults talked while the children spent time with the professionals. It's like a counselling session and we poured our hearts out. I cried. I don't know why but I did. We are all going through the same thing that makes it so easy to talk but felt vulnerable at the same time.

I rang Kathy - the organiser for Dr. Rick Solomon's P.L.A.Y workshop this morning. I read about his work and is interested to participate. It costs £45.00 per person and I wanted Jeremy to come with me. I was being very honest with Kathy that we cannot afford the full cost and she offered a discount for our circumstances.

Kathy has a son with ASD too. He was diagnosed at three and had no language - that was thirteen years ago. He is now a very gifted student in mainstream education - taking his GCSE this year and a genius in maths. Kathy assured me that there is hope and never ever doubt that. It's very kind of her to assure me but I just cannot see it now as there are too many obstacles ahead of us.

I would never dream of telling people about my financial circumstances in the past but I had to this time because this workshop is not something that I can do without. There are so many things that required money and we are in no position to be generous. I felt "crap" and felt like I betrayed my pride.

Received a letter from the Occupational Therapist's office this morning and Alex's assessment with them is on a waiting list. They are way behind and can expect the appointment in the next twelve months. We may have to go private if I cannot find alternative solution to help Alex.

Money money money. I wished I could get a job working from home to help out financially.

Total contrast from yesterday. It's sunny, the clouds are fluffy and white - feels like I could almost fly.

We went to Reading today. I am determined to find a plastic chest or container that is big enough to put Alex's Thomas the Tank Engine set in. The criteria are, it has to be big enough to put everything in, it has to look nice, sturdy (most of these containers that we find are so flimsy - almost like it will split into pieces when you try to put things in) and most important - it doesn't cost an arm and a leg.

Went to Focus - saw one and it was too big for the business and not to mention too expensive - £50. Then, we went to B & Q and found one - the colour's right, the size is right and the price is right BUT (there is always a but) the lid is missing. I had to go around the store to ask for help and neither of the them could. All they could say is .... "if it's not where the containers are ... we don't have em". They didn't even try - maybe a .... "hold on a second ma'am, I will check with warehouse to see if we could find one" I would be grateful. Whatever happened to customer service?

What are we to do? Maybe, if we go to Toys'r'us, we might find one - it sounded logical - toy place - toy chest?

On our way to the car, we passed BHs and popped in to get a Brabantia bin bag. Alex was a little niggly, we decided a little bribery wouldn't harm plus.... tantrum free. I took a pack of M&Ms out from my bag and give him one at a time. The condition was ... he had to say "dada". He did just that and Jeremy gave him his treats.

In BHs, Alex took the pack of bin bag to the counter and and I gave him the money to pay the cashier. He was so pleased with himself and even waved to the lady when we left.

Driving to Toys'r'us, we passed Staples and Jeremy suggested perhaps they have what we were looking for. We went in and wah lah .... we found it. Mission accomplished.

On our way to the car, Alex kept pointing at McDonald's (next to Staples) we knew what he wanted plus it was lunch time. We went in - Alex was so happy and sang his happy songs while waiting for his dad to bring the food.

All in all, a good day - tantrum free and a smiley boy.

By the way, if you ask Alex what a cow, a cat or a dog say? He will make all the sounds for you. He can't actually combine two sounds together to make an Mmm and oooooooo but it's close enough. It's so much fun to sing Old McDonald with him now. I had to prompt him to make the sounds but we had so much fun.

It has been a "yucky" weekend so far.

The rain hasn't stopped all day. Typical British weather when it comes to Bank Holiday weekends. It most certainly always rain and those who planned for a barbecue weekend with friends normally end up cancelling or eat indoor.

We did a bit of visiting today. Went to B & Q first, wanted to get a plastic chest to put Alex's toys in but couldn't find what we wanted. It was so busy in there and it's not a very nice place to be when it's crowded and wet. Alex threw a small tantrum but easily consoled. I would throw a tantrum too but I am Mummy and I have no excuse.

Then we went to Homebase, hopeful that we would find one but alas, it's too expensive - £49.99 for a stupid plastic chest. I think we'll search for one on Ebay.

Walked past Land of Leather on our way to the car and sneaked in for a whiff of leather. Settees are getting cheaper - most of them are made in China now. For a set of very comfortable three seater, two seater and a recliner for only £799. All reclineable all the way down - don't think we need a bed anymore. Too bad we don't have a budget for new settees.

Then, we went to see Jeremy's parents and Alex was really happy there. Constantly seeking Grandma's attention. Stayed for about three hours and then head for Jeremy's sister's home. Still raining when we arrived at Susan's.

Susan has two cats and they usually disappeared into a corner when they have guests. Surprisingly, they were in the same room with us when we were there and Alex adored them. We haven't seen Susan and Peter, her husband since Christmas last year.

We don't see Susan that often and can count the number of times Susan saw Alex since he was born. He was not shy at all ..... In fact, he adores Peter - who usually scares children when they saw him. I don't know why? He is a really sweet guy but maybe a bit loud at times - probably because he works in a construction site and is used to talking loud. Susan is a very busy lady with her own business - juggling between career and ferrying her only son to football practices and matches.

Got home around six and Alex was knackered. He was so tired that he didn't want much dinner and went to sleep around seven ish.

It's still raining outside and how I wished that we didn't went out today.

Biggest mistake EVER .....

Well, I baked some triple chocolate muffins yesterday afternoon. It's for Alex - he loved the last batch I made and this time, I made it specially for him.

Instead of having cereal for breakfast this morning, I gave him 3/4 of a muffin and followed by a slice of toast.

Because we did not get out of the house all day yesterday, we decided to go shopping at Kingston. We totally forgotten that it's a Bank Holiday weekend and the journey there took longer that usual. Alex was pointing at everything along the way and expect me to tell him what they were and if I guessed the wrong thing, he'll scream. It was a tiring journey but we survived.

When we finally got a parking spot after waiting (what feels like eternity) to get into the parking lot, we went to TGI Friday for lunch. We were seated at a corner but the place was busy, loud and Alex was not a happy bunny. He is extremely sensitive to sound and this is totally sensory overload for him. He was still quite well behave when all of a sudden, a party of twelve little girls and their parents came in sitting next to our table. All hell broke loose by now ..... he was agitated, they were really noisy and the parents were standing next to our table chatting away. He screamed his lungs off ..... all of a sudden, we could hear pin drop .... the room went silent and all eyes were on him.

Pre-diagnosis - we would have wished we could bury our head in the ground. But, today - we just calmed him down and continued our lunch. We understand that this is one of the many characteristics of autism. Some are extremely sensitive towards lights and some sound.

We didn't get to go shopping as by now, Alex was extremely agitated and it would not be enjoyable for either of us to continue. We drove home instead.

On our way home, I realised why - the chocolate muffin's the culprit. He used to bounce off walls when he had chocolate. I think the chocolate (triple strength) may have caused the initial agitation and then followed by sensory overload.

It's two in the morning and I can't get back to sleep. The nights are getting warmer - I had to put the fan on, the blinking thing is so noisy ...... I can't hear my own dream.

Anyway, it's been extremely difficult to update my blog everyday as Alex is very possessive. It used to be just the phone thing - you know, he ignored you all day and as soon as you pick the phone up (once in a blue moon) to have a decent adult conversation? That's when all of a sudden, you are the most important thing in the whole wide world and everything cannot wait, your urgent attention's required. Well, the same thing happened when I turned the computer on.

Well, at least some peace for now and taking this opportunity while my young prince is snoring away in our bed.

While tossing and turning trying to get back to dreamland, I actually made a promise to GOD. I said "GOD, please make Alex talk, not just talk, it has to make sense - you know, like a normal child? I promise I will help raise fund for National Autistic Society or even Margaret Wells-Furby to help more people who, are in a position like ours".

I know this sounded desperate. But, I am desperate .... Alex wants to communicate and he can't. I can feel his frustrations and I also know that he wants to share with me more than just cuddles and kisses. He wants to tell me his day at school, he wants to tell me how much he enjoys going to Chessington or Marwell or all the fun things we did together.

We've got a call from Christina from Margaret Wells yesterday (Friday) afternoon. She said that there is one extra place in their Family Support Group on Wednesday afternoons and if I would like to take the offer. We could start as early as next week. Now that's a bummer, Alex goes to nursery on Wednesdays and we don't really want to interrupt his routine. There is one other group on Tuesdays but they won't start for another month. I really really want help and support as soon as possible - I took the offer. We will just have to pick Alex up from the nursery half and hour earlier and miss his afternoon nap.

Kate, the Health Visitor called again on Thursday afternoon. She said she's got Alex's report and asked if we were satisfied with the diagnosis and if there's anything else we need. We made an appointment to meet next Friday afternoon. I thanked her for getting the wheels in motion so quickly and she said that it's her job. I know, it's her job but she did it very well. If everyone does their job as well as she did, the world would be a better place.

I better get back to bed before my prince wakes up in three hours time. He has been waking up at six every morning and is driving me insane.

One word of advise - Never take things that we think comes naturally for granted. Because it ain't!

Another small step another day but he does make me laugh. You would call him a "little madam" if he were a girl.

His progress is quite steady these few days and nothing much happened except for this evening. As usual, I fed him his dinner - I put anything I fancy and he eats. But today, he pointed at what he wanted me to put on his fork next. He finished his dinner in record time and no fuss at all - I didn't have to trick him by saying the never ending "last one for mummy" until he finished his dinner. He had fish fingers, chips and baked beans.

I received this email from my sister this morning and there is certainly truth in it. I would say it apply more to my three older brother and sisters more than to Adrinna and me. I always felt that they had more fun as children than I did. I cannot say this for Adrinna but I felt that my childhood was somewhat boring - overly protected by parents and older siblings. We (Adrinna and me) never get to go out with friends till the sun sets but we did get to play outdoors but behind bars (our fenced and gated driveway).

The only computer games that we ever wished we had was "Watch
and Games" in the late 70's and then Pacman on PC in the 80's. Funnily enough,
McDonald's giving away the "Watch and Games" style electronic games with their
Happy Meal this month. Alex already had a collection of three so far.

TO ALL THOSE WHO WERE BORN IN THE 50's
and 60's / early '70s............

First, we survived with mothers who had no maids.

A multi-tasker, she cooked and cleaned while taking care of her children.

We took aspirins, candy floss, fizzy drinks, shaved ice with
syrups - diabetes were rare.

Salt added to Pepsi or Coke were remedy for fever.

No child-proof lid on medicine bottles nor doors or cabinets.

We rode our bikes with no helmets.

We ride with our parents on bicycles/motorcycles.

Richer ones in cars with no seat belts nor air bags.
Sitting in the back of a private taxi was a special treat.

We drank water from the tap and NOT from a bottle.
We would spend hours outside under bright sunlight flying our kites,

UV ray never seem to affect us.

With mere 5 pebbles (stones) would be an endless game.

With a ball (tennis ball best) boys would run like crazy, for hours.
We catch guppy in drains/canals and when it rained we swam there too.

We shared a bottle of soft drink with four friends,

NO ONE actually worried about being unhygienic

We ate salty, very sweet and oily food.

Candies, bread and real butter

We drank very sweet soft sweet coffee/tea, ice kacang,

but we weren't overweight because......
WE WERE ALWAYS PLAYING OUTDOORS!!

We would leave home in the morning and played all day.

We returned when the streetlights came on.
No one was able to reach us all day. And we were O.K.

We would spend hours repairing our old bicycles and wooden
scooters out of scraps and rode down the hill, only to find - we forgot the brakes.

After running into bushes a few more times, we learned to solve
the problem .

We did not have Playstations, Nintendo's, X-boxes,

multiple channels on cable TV, DVD movies, nor surround sound,

no phones, no personal computers, no Internet.

WE HAD FRIENDS and we went outside and found them!

We fell off trees, got cut, broke bones and teeth and we still continued the
stunts.

We never actually had birthday parties till we were 21,

We rode bikes or walked to a friend's house and just yelled for them!

The idea of a parent bailing us out if we broke the law was
unheard of. They actually sided with the law!

Yet this generation has produced some of the best risk-takers,

problem solvers and inventors ever!

The past 40years have been an explosion of innovation and new ideas.
We had freedom, failure, success and responsibility, and we learned.

You might want to share this with others who have had the luck to grow up as kids,

before the government regulated our lives for our own good.

We didn't do much today .... just recovering from yesterday.

Alex was quite chatty today and on few occasion, he really surprised us. We were invited to dinner at Jeremy's parents'. On our way there, Alex was really cheery and happy. We passed Windsor Great Park and there was a herd of cows roaming in the open field, Alex pointed at them and said "mmmmmm" (that's his way of saying cow).

Then, we used a different way to go to his grandparents' house and as soon as we passed the normal entrance to use the second entrance, he moaned because we did not turn in. It really surprised us how he knew that?

He had a great time at his grandparents and as usual, they spoil him. When it was time to go, he didn't really want to leave. On our way back, he did the same again, pointing at things along the way asking me to tell him what they were. If I did not respond, he will call out "Ma" - it's good that he is aware of his surrounding now.

Got home and had his shower, sat on my lap and we watched a DVD together. We borrowed "Happy Feet" from my mother-in-law and I thought he would like that since we have seen quite a few penguins in the zoo. First fifteen minutes of the show, he was quite happy watching it and all of a sudden, he cried with stream of tears rolling down his cheek and with such sadness in his cry .... I was baffled.

Then I realised why, Mumbo the baby penguin fell into the hole when a few vicious bird trying to eat him. I don't know if he was crying because he was afraid for Mumbo or the music in the scene. But he was crying with great emotion and sob for the next five minutes.

I don't know what this means but I am writing this down for my own record.

Chessington WOA

Click on the picture to view album

A mother could not be prouder

Oh My God!!!

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We went to Chessington World of Adventure today.

Alex had so much fun and we were both very very proud of him. He went to all the rides that he could go on and wanted more.

I took him to this ride (picture) and he was so scared ... not because of the ride but the people screaming behind us. I could not feel any fear because I was protecting my son all the while. It's quite funny how maternal instinct work .... mothers could do anything to protect their young. If Alex wasn't with me, I would have p...... myself .... ha ha ha

Anyway, we went into the Tomb Blaster with him and there were laser and strobe lights inside (we didn't know what it was - we decided to try everything). Whilst in the ride, we were so afraid that the lights would affect Alex but he came out looking nonchalant.

How our son surprise us with his courage and he actually smiled after a few rides. He wanted to go on the Dragon Boat again after coming out with his dad ... wet and all smiley. The queue was too long and we didn't bother to go again. Mummy is definitely a coward, didn't want to get wet and sent Daddy to the ride with Alex instead.

All in all, we had a great day and would do it again.

We went to see the Speech Therapist today.

Alex is definitely not co-operating with her. Partly because he is tired - the appointment was at 3:00pm and that's when Alex naps in the afternoon. Yes, he is back to his old routine, his daily naps.

He walks around a lot, and refused to do what he was asked to. Both Jeremy and I sat there and tried not to interfere.

The therapist, a locum from South Africa is only here for a three-month contract and is leaving end of next week. She will put her recommendation forward to expedite his case.

Meanwhile, we were advised to play taking turn games with Alex to encourage language and interaction.

I think we are heading towards the right direction and I am quite confident that Alex will do well.

Oh, by the way - I was quite surprised to learn that Alex knows his ABCs. I was showing him some alphabet flash cards last night and asked him to show me which is A and B. He got them both correctly and I thought it might just be by chance or he memorised the sequences. I then took the M and K card - I asked him which is which? He got them both correct as well. I didn't want to continue as it was late, so .... I guess ..... we have a tiny genius here ;-)

I feel much better today.

Thank you to everyone for sending me thoughtful emails and advices.

Good news is .... Alex has an appointment with the Speech Therapist tomorrow afternoon - this would not have happened so quickly if he was not diagnosed. The waiting list is about eight months and we don't know if he is going to have to wait or he will be expedite due to the Early Intervention Program. Lets keep our fingers cross and hope for the best.

Here's a video of Alex talking. It was taken today right before writing this blog. I will be recording videos of him every week to see his progress. The nursery is very happy with his progress and today, they were sitting in a circle and the teacher called out their name for attendance. He waved to tell them that he is present.

Because of his diagnosis, the nursery can now work on a program for Alex to follow. He has been doing it since yesterday and they reckoned he was happy with the routine.

It's still hard to accept the diagnosis.

Normally, I am a very positive person. I feel sad for a while and then I put myself on first gear, then shortly second, third and so on.

But this time, I felt really really sad. I felt empty and tired. I am not angry nor am I asking "why is it happening to us?" Why not? What makes us different from others who are in the same situation? Do they deserved it more than we do? Of course not! No one deserved this but I believe everything happened for a reason.

My friend, Penny said this to me today, "when God closes a window, he opens a door". It's very comforting and I believe that too.

There is a lesson in everything and perhaps, I have a mission - I am not sure what? But I am sure there is something that I had to do.

I will have to be strong for my family but let me mope for a few days and make sense of things. I am sure I will be like my old self, get up and go - not looking back and embrace the future.

It's official.

Months of waiting and we know what is coming but it's still difficult to hear it from the horses' mouth.

Jeremy and I went to the End of Assessment Care Plan meeting this afternoon. We left Alex home with Jeremy's parents - baby sitting for us while we went to this life changing meeting.

Last week's report from Dr. Irani summarised his diagnosis and both Jeremy and I have prepared ourselves for the worst. Somehow, something inside me refused to accept the diagnosis. I see what I wanted to see and the reports from the other Assessors came last Friday. I deliberately not share them with everyone reading my blog because I so wanted this meeting that we went this afternoon to say otherwise.

Since the beginning of his assessment five weeks ago, Alex showed us that he can do more than we thought he could. Obviously the reports were four to five weeks old and things changed but some symptoms remained. I brought this up in the meeting but the final diagnosis is still ASD (Autism Spectrum Disorder). I could feel a lump in my throat and my voice quivered when I spoke - I guessed they have seen it all. My denial ......

No matter how prepared you are - the truth always find a way to reveal your true insecurities, fear and disappointments.

Well, at least we know that it's not our fault or anything we did or did not. A diagnosis is better than no diagnosis. Because, now we get all the help needed to pave a future for Alex.

We were instantly given a directory for support groups, a list of programs and activities for Alex and us, as parents to attend. A three months course for parents organised by the National Autistic Society - giving us information and ways to deal with Autism. We will be very very busy for the next twelve months because the sooner we start, the better it is for Alex. He will be able to attend mainstream school by September 08.

In a way it's a blessing in disguised that Alex have no language. It brought the motion to assess him and now we get all the support needed. Although, a label is not ideal - but, it opened a lot of doors for him. Should he not been diagnosed, we will still be in Limbo - no where to turn to and may cost us dearly for the missed opportunities.

From today, a new journey for us as a family - we will be more tolerant and try to see things thru our son's eyes.

A message to all the mums I know.

May this day remind you how great and wonderful you are.

I am a daughter, a sister, a friend and a mother.

I am most grateful to my mother for giving me life, a wonderful childhood and unconditional love. You are always there for me when I need you and I promise I will do the same for my son.

I am grateful to have three wonderful sisters, each a fantastic mum without a doubt. Great with advices and there for me when I need a friend to talk to.

I am grateful to have friends with children of their own - constantly giving me encouragements and support in their own wonderful way.

Most of all, each and everyday - I am grateful to have a wonderful and loving son who brings me the kind of joy and laughter that no one can.

To my mother, sisters and friends - Happy Mother's Day ....

Marwell Zoo

(Click on the photo to see album)

Took Alex to Marwell Zoo today.

We chose to take Alex there because of the great reviews and recommendations but sadly, we felt that we have been ripped off on this occasion.

It cost us £40 entrance fee for two adults and one child. A further £30 for food and miscellaneous expenditures.

We were disappointed because there weren't many animals there and the only three things that really impressed us were the Giraffes, Leopards and Zebras. There were no Monkeys nor were there Elephants but plenty of Buffaloes, Birds and Lemurs. The only incentive for Alex is the tractor/train ride towards the end of our visit.

I would not recommend this to anyone looking for a great day-out but if the Zoo were to reduce the entrance fee or to add more animals to their collection, perhaps.

Choo choo ...........

Thomas the Tank Engine - Ultimate set ...... I totally agree with that. Bought Alex this set today and it's 50% off the RRP. We had so much fun putting it up for Alex and it brought the child out of us. Of course, the set is meant for him but we thought we'll just give it a try.

Alex is doing great in nursery today. His carer said that he has been very vocal all morning. I picked him up slightly later today and this time, he was waiting for me. There were so many people in the room - I was looking for him, but he spotted me first and ran straight to me.

Whatever next?

My little shopper.

There is a Tesco Express next to Alex's nursery. I went to fetch Alex and popped into Tesco with him on our way home. I just need to get one item for a quick lunch - I gave him the tub of egg mayo and asked him to give it to the cashier. He walked confidently to the counter and then gave it to the man. I then hand him a pound coin and asked him to pay the man - he took the coin from me and handed it to the cashier. You should see the look on his face - he was so proud of himself and I of course could not stop beaming.

That's another achievement - another day.

It's been a weird sort of day but I am glad it's over.

I did not sleep well at all last night - Alex woke me at 2am, then at 4am and finally at 5am and wanted to play and not sleep. So, Jeremy got up and took him downstairs and let me sleep. I woke up at 10am and then Jeremy went back to sleep.

Then took Alex with me to Sainsburys for food shopping and my little monster helped me load the cart up - he he he. He was such a helpful boy and did not make much fuss - except the occasional - mummy I need a hug whine.

Got home, he wanted to sleep - put him down for a nap with Jeremy and I started filling in my application form for a job. I need to work and I cannot bear the thought of not earning my own money and ask Jeremy for it. I have been earning my own money since the day I left school in 1986 - so, it's hard for me to ask for money from anyone.

Cooked, fed my boy and then rush out again for Finance and Management meeting at the school - I am one of the Community Governors for our local school.

Alice, my ex's mother came over to babysit Alex (she came last week as well when I went for another meeting at the school). I am just so glad that she came and Alex loved her. I could just walk out the house and he made no fuss. If it's anyone else, you can hear him from a mile - they have this instant rapport - maybe it's because their birthday is one day apart .... I don't know but I can see that Alice is really happy to be with him.

I got back at 8:30pm .... Alice left ..... Alex surprised me ..... he tidied up his play area without being told. He then brought his building blocks to me and wanted me to play with him.

Now... I know why he tidied up his toys ..... I always insists that he can only play one thing at a time and that if he wants to play something else, he has to tidy up first. And he did just that. I am so proud of him.

I am going to bed now - with a smile.

Walking down memory lane

We were supposed to take Alex to Marwell Zoo today but in the end, we decided to go next weekend instead. We planned to have a picnic and even went to Marks and Spencers to get snacks and salad. When we got back last night, we went about the house looking for the icebox for our picnic. Garage, Attic, Shed ..... no where in sight but we found my box of old photos instead.

Flipping through the pages, feelings of warmth fills my heart and brought a tiny tear drop to my eye. How I missed my sisters and brother - the pictures below were taken in 1974 and 1981.

The four sisters

from left to right: Trixie (9 yrs), me (5 yrs), Adrinna (3 yrs) and Sue (11 yrs)

The Siblings

from left: Trixie, me, Adrinna, Sue and Vincent (behind me)

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Trixie and Sue baked and decorated the cake. This picture was taken on Christmas morning 1981. For sometime in my life, I could not recall my adolescent years - tried as I might, I have no memories of them. Only after Alex was born, memories of my past rushed back in snap shots when I see or smell something familiar.

As a child, I was quite confident until I turned 10 years old when my parents transferred me to a new school joining my sisters. At my old school, my grades were quite good, I was teacher's pet, my artworks were often displayed in exhibitions and everything went down hill when I joined the new school. I didn't make a lot of friends, I hate the teachers and I have low self-esteem.

At home, all my brother and sisters were very good academically especially Trixie. My low self-esteem didn't help either, I always felt that my sisters bullied me. My only friend was my mum - she believed in me and encouraged me. This makes my sisters really jealous and often accused my mum of favouritism.

Looking back at the pictures, I did have a happy childhood. I have a fantastic family and my sisters are definitely my best friends.

Photos are there to remind us of the good times. No one take photos when they are sad (at least not that I know of) - If you are down and depressed, look at your photos - it will definitely make your day. Life isn't that bad after all.

This is a very good article written by Amy Brown. I would like to share this article with you because I think she said everything I need to say and hope Alex will be like her son. She is an exceptional mother and she made a difference in her son's life.

Acceptance of Autism in your child

Most of us are familiar with the stages of grief; denial, anger, bargaining, depression and finally acceptance. Why is it that so many parents get stuck in one of the first four stages when their child has received a diagnosis of Autism? I realize that this is one of the scariest diagnoses a parent can face. I have been there. I know what it is like to be told that your child will never develop social skills, that he would never be able to express love or compassion to others, that all of his social interaction would be self-focused. My heart, too, was broken when I was told that my precious child may never come out of his own little world and respond to my voice or my touch. I cried for days when I was told by a developmental therapist that I needed to give up on my "dream child" and start dealing with the nightmare that I had been dealt.

I have been there. But I didn't stick around. If my child had received a diagnosis of Leukemia I sure wouldn't sit around feeling sorry for myself and the sad future ahead of us. I would be researching and trying every doctor, program, holistic medicine and support group that were available. So that is what I did. I discovered that the diagnosis of Autism is not hopeless. I realized that I was fortunate to have noticed the changes in my son's development and to have gotten this diagnosis so early in his life. This diagnosis was not his death sentence, it was his ticket to a real life. With the gift of this diagnosis I was able to receive help from my state with occupational therapy, speech therapy, developmental therapy and many other resources. If I had waited one more year, my son would not have qualified for this free assistance and I would have had to spend every dime I made to ensure that he was given every opportunity to defy the odds.

I am a mother that didn't wallow in denial, anger, bargaining or depression. I accepted the diagnosis of autism as a gift. I chose to embrace this diagnosis and educate myself, my family and my friends. I would not allow my son to be defined by this diagnosis. I worked with the various therapists to learn how to teach, motivate and speak to my son. I was involved in every therapy session. I sat on the floor with the speech therapist, teaching my son sign language at first and eventually words. I spent hours each day working with him on the sensory integration techniques that I had learned from the occupational therapist - swinging, bouncing, brushing, anything they suggested, no matter how crazy it sounded. I put him on a gluten-free, casein-free diet because the Autism Network for Dietary Intervention recommended it. I used his obsession with cars to teach him colors and numbers and counting. My husband and I had so much fun rejoicing over every new word he learned, every new skill he mastered, every smile and laugh that he expressed. My dream child is still alive because I refused to give up and I was determined to do everything within my power to give my son a reason to come out of his little world into our big one.

My son is now 8 years old. He is gorgeous and bright and funny and loving and compassionate. He gets straight A's in school, plays on a basketball team and has many friends. My son has no idea that he was ever diagnosed with autism and neither do his friends or teachers. Even the pediatric neurologist says he is a normal, healthy child, showing no signs or symptoms of autism. Was he cured? Was he mis-diagnosed? Was it a miracle? No one really knows for sure, except me. I know that I never lost my dream child because my son is and always will be my dream child, with or without a diagnosis of autism. I also know that if I had spent years in denial or anger or depression, my son would still be sitting on the floor rocking back and forth, not responding to his name and I would never have heard him speak the words, "I love you, Mom."

As parents we chose how we will react to this diagnosis and we choose how involved we will be in our child's development. I challenge you to make a conscious choice to go through the grieving process quickly. Your child deserves a parent that has accepted this diagnosis and can begin seeking treatment for it. Every day you spend in denial, anger, bargaining and depression is a day you have stolen from your child's development. There are few things about autism that are predictable, but one of them is that the earlier a child is diagnosed and begins treatment the more likely that child will be to develop the skills needed to live a normal life. Do what ever it takes to keep your dream child alive.

We received the report from Dr Irani this morning.

Here's part of the report (important part) - the report is written in a conversational manner directed to Jeremy and me:

Developmental assessment

Alexander's development was assessed using Schedule of Growing Skills II, which is a developmental screening test for children up to five years of age. Observing Alexander, I noted his mannerisms of briefly hand flapping, frequent teeth grinding and frequently moving his fingers in front of his eyes. I noted screaming, inappropriate laughter in addition to his attempts to initiate joint attention with yourselves, briefly sharing enjoyment and demonstrating closeness to you. Alexander's cooperation for a formal developmental assessment was limited today, but he did eventually participate with most tasks, especially when you administered them under instruction. Hence, it is possible that Alexander's developmental scores are an under-estimate of his true potential.

Note from mummy: After the meeting with Dr Irani on 16th April, Alex's teeth grinding has been minimal and hand flapping is virtually none but occasional lapse. However, moving his fingers in front of his eyes is still there.

Summary

Alexander is a delightful boy with delayed developmental skills, and significantly delayed expressive language and visual perceptual skills. He demonstrates a developmental profile characterised by impaired social communication and social interaction skills with some unusual repetitive behaviours and mannerisms.
Alexander's difficulties can best be understood as being similar to those of a child with Autism Spectrum Disorder. On a positive note, there has been recent rapid progress noted at the nursery. Alexander offers some good social eye contact and generally comes as a happy child who responds well to adult direction especially from you.

Discussion

We discussed Alexander's developmental profile and his strengths and difficulties. We agreed that his development would be assessed in greater detail during the course of the playgroup assessments at the End of Assessment Care Plan meeting. I have suggested Alexander has a hearing and vision assessment and also referral to Occupational Therapy Service for his visual perceptual difficulties. I have recommended some baseline medical investigation (blood tests).

End of report

I find that the report was true at the time and as noted in the summary, recent rapid development will take into consideration. Our End of Assessment Care Plan meeting is on 14 May and two of his carers from the nursery will attend the meeting. I feel very fortunate that there are many people willing to help Alex and he certainly is a likeable child.

The different sides of Alex

(Click on the photo to view album.)

Photos of Alex from birth. These are the few that's in my computer and there are more. I thought I'll share some for those who have not seen them.

Sending Alex to nursery is the best thing we've done for him.

Today in school, they all sang "twinkle twinkle little star" and Alex sang the loudest (hummed actually) but anyhow, the carers were really pleased with him. When the other children were being noisy, he stood up and said "shhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhh". The way the carer described it made me so proud of my little boy.

Tonight, before bedtime - my little boy tidy up his toys without being told to. When Jeremy saw what he was doing, he wanted to say "good boy" but I stopped him. Knowing my son very well, if we said anything while he's doing it, he would stop and mess the whole place up again. So we let him finish and then praised him.

I am really happy with his progress. He likes pointing at things and ask me to tell him what they were. If he point at something and I didn't respond to him, he will say in a high pitch "MUM" and I had to respond immediately. If I don't, he would scream his lungs off.

We hope to take him somewhere nice for a long weekend soon. He pointed at a Ferry - a Brittany Ferry commercial on television tonight. I told him that it's a ferry and he smiled. I asked if he would like to go on one and he said "MUM" means yes. "Mum" means many different things but I could tell from his tonality. We are communicating and I really believe that it's anytime soon now - he WILL talk.

It's Marcus's Birthday today.

HAPPY 8TH BIRTHDAY MARCUS!

A birthday wish for a special boy. Here's some photo of Marcus that I'll like to share. My sister Trixie is very stingy with her photos. I don't get many of them from her and these are from my own collection. I think I have some in the attic - couldn't find them but will do when I find time.

Baby Marcus with mummy and cousin Yujiro in 1999

Marcus with grandma, auntie Sue on his 2nd Birthday in 2001

Marcus in Winter 2000

Marcus in Spring 2002