It would have been a very different tone if I have written this three hours ago.

A soak in the bath can really make a difference to one's well-being. I haven't had such a bad day with Alex since ..... May/June last year?

I really believe that we need to set some "Me" time even if it's only for half and hour. An understanding partner is essential to any family. If I hadn't had my half and hour "Me" time, I know I would be threading in dangerous water ..... I might get back to my depression mode. I have been there and WILL NOT let myself go in there again.

Anyway, I assumed we have passed the public toilet phobia stage but today proved my assumptions wrong.

I took Alex to Legoland. I thought it would be nice to take Alex out while Jeremy get some sleep after two night shifts.

We had a great time going on a few rides and then .... Alex said he wanted to pee. I took him to the toilet but as soon as he saw the toilet, he refused to go in. So, I took him to the disabled toilet next door as it's quieter and cleaner. We got in and I closed the door, he started screaming and crying inconsolably .... what was two minutes seemed like a life time in there. Meanwhile, he wet his pants and I had to take him out of the toilet. I looked at the toilet and try to do the "Iceberg" metaphor mentally but it's quiet a different story when you are all alone with a screaming child.

I can't think of anything at that moment and took him to the customer service area where there are changing facilities. I can't change him into his clean clothes when I am not sure if he had finished his business, so I asked the Customer Service Assistant if there's a quieter toilet. I told her that my son is autistic and needed some space. You cannot believe how helpful she was ..... she took us to the first aid room with a clean toilet and asked us to stay as long as we liked. Meanwhile, she came back to help console Alex bringing "Hero" badges and saying that if he uses the toilet, he'll be a "Hero". It took three people including myself to convince Alex to go sit on the toilet but we all failed miserably. I had no choice but to nip it on the butt and scooped him off the floor .... sit him on the toilet despite his screaming .... he did it and then stopped crying instantly.

We all clapped our hands and said how good he was and he was really pleased with himself. I cannot thank them enough and I must write a thank you letter to Legoland to tell them how great their employees are and how well informed they are about Autism.

After the Episode, we continued to go round the park and left an hour later. I cannot help feeling down as it's been such a long time since Alex experienced any distress or having tantrums.

I guess my feeling down escalated from Sunday when I took Alex trampolining. They changed the coach again and this time it's a young girl and I don't think she has any experience with special need children.

All the other children are much older than Alex and they have been doing this for a long time. This is only the fourth time we've been and each time a different person teaching Alex. As usual, Alex is a playful child obsess with signs and doors. He jump around looking at signs above the doors and point at them. It's quite dangerous as he was jumping all over the place and the trampolines were placed next to each other. The instructor kept asking Alex to pay attention and jump in the middle but she couldn't get his attention. I had to do something .... I got Alex's attention and managed to get him to jump in the middle for a few seconds and off he went into his own zone again. The place is echoey and I could hear my own voice kept asking Alex to "listen" and "jump". I felt like a control freak and it's not a very nice feeling.

As soon as he started to jump nicely, we had to get down again to let another child go. It's so frustrating as we had to start all over again with Alex. I know the reason why we had to keep changing as it allows the children to learn turn-taking but with Alex, he needs time to warm-up.

The final straw came when he jumped onto the next trampoline. It was so dangerous and I could see an accident waiting to happen as the boy using the next trampoline was an 8 year old boy with ADHD - when this boy starts jumping, he couldn't stop. I told Alex to jump properly or we go home. He thought I was joking with him and when he jumped onto the next trampoline, I saw myself calling him over and scooping him off the trampoline and took him to the corner and put his shoes on. I said nothing and pull him along and left the centre. I did not look back to see what the others were doing but I need Alex to learn consequences and to take my threats seriously.

I came home feeling down and tired. After putting Alex to bed, I went downstairs to unwind, watching some CSI and organising all the Lego pieces into colours and shapes (One might say I have a little OCD -Obsessive Compulsive Disorder) and then went to bed feeling really tired.

What went wrong? Could it be his fever? He had a mild fever tonight and I sent him to bed with a little Calpol.

Boing Boing Boing ....

We took Alex to our local Sports Centre for trampolining today. He loved it and seemed to enjoy every minute of it. It was organised by East Berkshire Autistic Support Group and today was just a trial for Alex. The best part of it all was - he could do whatever he wanted - jumping or running or even screaming his lungs off. He liked hearing his own echoes when he screamed.

Did you know that ...... trampolining is a sports and is an event in the Olympics? I did not know this until today when the coach told me. There goes, learned something new today ;-)

It's still early days but if Alex really like this, we will encourage him to be trained properly. Who knows .... he may have talent in this like his cousin Joshua in Gymnastics.

I want Alex to have what I don't as a child but I don't want to be a "pushy mummy" either. It is quite difficult to draw a line as we may sometimes want to live our dreams in our children. I am never passionate about anything and can't say that I have a favourite subject. I really believe that if you start young and get support from you parents, you are more likely to stick to one thing you are good at for life.

We didn't really have the opportunity and support to pursue our dreams because there were too many of us. My mum told me once that she wished she had the means to give us lessons in Ballet, piano or violin. It's hard when you have five children to feed, roof over their head and all the other adult problems as well.

Despite not having ballet lessons or able to play a music instrument, we all turned out all right (I think). I can say for sure that my siblings turned out to be great parents and want the best for their children.

As for me ..... I think I am doing my best and hope that Alex knows that mummy loves him very much.